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Old 10-21-2009, 01:16 PM   #1
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Compromising between two people.

I'm totally torn on this situation .. I feel that i'm not in the wrong and that my gf is being the psychotic overactive person in this argument, but please tell me if i'm wrong about this.

My gf was hurt emotionally and permanently scarred [emotionally] from her previous relationship when it comes to porn. Her ex was addicted to the smut and ruined every aspect of it for her. She refuses to go into detail about the situation and how it came to be, but she holds it over my head every time i even bring the word "porn" up.

She hates that i watch porn. And when i say hate, i mean HATE, with a passion. She feels that because she is my girlfriend, i have no need to go to any other aspect to get my jolly's off. I can understand this, but it's hard to be in the mood (for me at least) after waking up before the rooster crows, spending the whole day slammed at work, then hitting the gym for an hour, and finally coming home to have to clean up after your filthy roommates. The last thing on my mind at this point is sex, and i just want to go to bed. But there are those times where it would be nice to go to bed relaxed .. blowing a load really quick right before i go to sleep. I would rather spend 5 minutes watching some porn, jacking off, cumming, rolling over and going to bed in 300 seconds or less.

I've been looking/watching porn since i was a young lad. I feel that every man on this planet watches a little bit of porn from time to time.

I feel that i'm being punished for her scars from a previous relationship and i don't feel that she's compromising one bit to try and resolve this situation. She's firm on, "I don't want you watching porn, period, ever, again". and I'm firm on, "i'm a guy, i watch porn occasionally, it's a-ok for me to watch porn". She wants me to completely cut it out of my life, and the way i feel from the way she comes at me about it is that if i get a boner from anything else but her, i'm breaking her "rule" if you want to call it that.

We have sex on the weekends, friday nights, maybe a weekday night if the mood strikes me .. Am i just being the fucked up one in this picture?
 
Old 10-21-2009, 01:41 PM   #2
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Your expectations and hers are different enough that I don't think you're going to be able to bridge the gap. Between that and the other stuff you've posted recently, I don't see this relationship working out.

You can only compromise so much before you're getting away from who you really are. If you keep that up, before long, you're not the same person that started the relationship. Sure, they're changes that your partner found desirable at the time, but they add up to "who am I, really?" and "you're not the person I met and fell in love with any more." Let the unimportant crap slide, but stay true to yourself on the important stuff.


DISCLAIMER: I only have your side of the story, and my opinions are skewed accordingly.
 
Old 10-21-2009, 01:52 PM   #3
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I can't say anything additional or more well put than Chris did. He hit it square on the head.

She's got some baggage she's not willing to move past. That is for her to figure out, not for her to hold over your head.

People need to be flexible and willing to compromise, but they have to be able to see their own issues and work through those as well. Neither is happening in this situation (from what you're describing).
 
Old 10-21-2009, 01:52 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dizzle View Post
Am i just being the fucked up one in this picture?
Short answer- nope.
 
Old 10-21-2009, 01:56 PM   #5
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Yeah..not sure what to say there hun. This doesn't sound like its going to last...at least from this perspective.

It's reality...guys like boobs and va ja ja, end thread. I think it's totally unrealistic to ask someone (especially a guy) to not watch porn. You might as well tell them if they breath again, you're thru. Girls seem to have the argument, "Well we have a healthy sex life, he doesn't need it"...umm so then you don't need to fantasize about the strapping young buck you saw earlier...it's retarded. Guys know the difference between a porn star and a real girl, yeah, they would like you to act a little more liberated, maybe even dirty like them porn stars, but umm they're fucking you...what's the problem again?

I don't know how comfortable I would be if someone asked me not to do something that I have always done. If it's not harmful to my health that is. It's like going into the relationship already expecting the other to change.
 
Old 10-21-2009, 02:18 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TeashaMae View Post
I don't know how comfortable I would be if someone asked me not to do something that I have always done. If it's not harmful to my health that is. It's like going into the relationship already expecting the other to change.
my thoughts exactly. I pointed out to her that the way i see this situation is like this.

(this is completely hypothetical)

"In my last relationship, my ex ruined my views on my S/O wearing make up .. and because of that i've been completely scarred and can't stand women wearing make up anymore. I forbid you to wear make up because it digs up a past of mine that has hurt me so much."

I don't even know her side of the story when it comes to this. She refuses to tell me why it hurt her so bad so that i can understand just a little bit more, but she refuses to dig that part up of her life to inform me of why she is the way that she is. I feel that it's a little out of context, i can understand her being the typical woman of "Well we have a healthy sex life, he doesn't need it" persona, but like teasha said, what's the problem again?

I don't want to lose this relationship over an issue like this. How do you think that'd go over with the next girl i dated? ("so why'd you and your ex break up?" .. "oh, cuz i watched some porn") .. I want to be able to resolve this issue as smoothly as possible (if at all possible), but i'd have to agree with Jason .. She's obviously got some mental baggage that she just can't let go of.
 
Old 10-21-2009, 02:24 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dizzle View Post

I don't want to lose this relationship over an issue like this. How do you think that'd go over with the next girl i dated? ("so why'd you and your ex break up?" .. "oh, cuz i watched some porn") .. I want to be able to resolve this issue as smoothly as possible (if at all possible), but i'd have to agree with Jason .. She's obviously got some mental baggage that she just can't let go of.
Honestly, if she's a normal level headed girl...she would understand. The sooner girls realize porn is not zee evil...the sooner they can just be comfortable with themselves and the people around them.

And I think it's ridiculious that she wants you to give up something because of her past, yet won't tell you what happened, or even talk about it a little bit.

You might as well start making shit up and then "not want to talk about it" just so you can have your way. Kinda niffy how that works out...hmm maybe I'm onto something here...lol.
 
Old 10-21-2009, 02:47 PM   #8
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so far, everything about her has been perfect. we've been able to communicate really well, we've worked out every issue we've had in the past 6 months .. it's been fantastic.

yet this is the one issue which she refuses to budge on. and it's probably the stupidest issue i've ever dealt with, in my life.
 
Old 10-21-2009, 03:38 PM   #9
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My turn at the time I met Duane I was your GF. I hated porn, and been hurt deeply from my past marriage not something I wanted to talk about either. I used the its degrading why do you have to look at porn to get aroused to be with me. It was a huge issue with me, why because my Ex watched porn and then expected me to do what they did. He beat me until I did exactly what he wanted, where ever and when ever he wanted. The term would be raped by your husband. For me at that time it was the porns fault not that he needed any excuse to be the douche bag he was. But it was however a trigger. OK for Duane this was a small thing (you know don't sweat the small stuff) while he would not say he would give it up he made sure that I usually didn't know about it. The best thing he did to help me get beyond my porn hang up. Was to make me feel like a woman and that he didn't want anyone one else and to him I was the most beautiful creature there was. Needing porn to get turned on never.. he explained the whole its a guy thing guys are visual curious creatures. Yes some guys take it to the extreme and do bad things I was the unfortunate recipient of that. So give her a bit of a break tell her what happened to me and that I got beyond my inner fears. Reassure her that it really has nothing to do with how you feel or see her in any way. Give her just a little room on this one. Maybe someday she will see porn is just an illusion and she is and has the real thing and it can't hurt her.
 
Old 10-22-2009, 01:04 AM   #10
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First, I would like to shoot MrsD's ex after I torchured him for a long period of time.

Second, if you take any average couple you will find that each person probably does something that their SO does not approve of........how do they make the relationship work? They dont talk about it and they dont do it in front of their SO out of respect. That being said......I am not saying that I think you should let a person change who you are but I am saying that I think every relationship has its battles and you need to pick which one to fight and win.

Honestly, if it was me I would tell my SO how sorry I am that they were so hurt in the past by porn and I can promise them that I will never make them watch porn or act out some porn scene (at least i wouldnt tell them where i saw the position we were about to do i would just ask them if they wanted to try something new and fun.... ;) ). And out of respect for them I wont have porn on or out in the open when they are around.

DISCLAIMER: I MIGHT HAVE THE SWINE FLU AND I AM VERY HEAVILY MEDICATED SO I AM NOT SURE WHAT I AM WRITING OR IF I MAKE SENSE
 
Old 10-22-2009, 07:35 AM   #11
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Any time anyone throws down the guanlet of 'stop doing this or else'...choose or else and leave - period. You have the word compromise confused with controlling. There have been many a gal scarred by porn but your not her therapists, tell her to get one and move on.
 
Old 11-07-2009, 11:14 PM   #12
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Look I like me some porn, its a fantasy for various things I know I would never do. If you are going to cut that outlet out, then you are going to have to pony up and provide an alternative .....

That should end it right about there. Of course not the way you want, but you maybe back to watching porn much faster than you expected.


I dont do well with ultimatums. I dont know how many girls I have shown the door over the bike issue. "Its either me or the bike".... sorry you feel that way, the bikes are staying.
 
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