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Old 10-21-2008, 08:01 AM   #1
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Married and Flirting

So do you feel that it is ok or not ok to be flirtatious if you are married. I guess some might think it would be disrespectful. My wife is not jealous at all, she trusts me and I trust her. I am a total flirt and she knows this and isn't offended...would you be?
 
Old 10-21-2008, 08:02 AM   #2
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It all depends on your wife and your relationship with her. If she knows about your flirtatious nature and trusts you, and you stay within your relationship's boundaries, it's all good.
 
Old 10-21-2008, 08:04 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CForce View Post
It all depends on your wife and your relationship with her. If she knows about your flirtatious nature and trusts you, and you stay within your relationship's boundaries, it's all good.
Could not have said it better myself!
 
Old 10-21-2008, 08:53 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CForce View Post
It all depends on your wife and your relationship with her. If she knows about your flirtatious nature and trusts you, and you stay within your relationship's boundaries, it's all good.
I actually think it's healthy for a relationship. I've overly friendly which is often taken as flirting.... okay.. it's flirting.... and no way would I want to change! I like me!
 
Old 10-21-2008, 09:34 AM   #5
I didn't do it!
 
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I'm married, not dead. lol To me, I think its how far you take it.
 
Old 10-21-2008, 10:20 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Revmeup View Post
I'm married, not dead.
I LOVE that!!!
 
Old 10-21-2008, 10:32 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Revmeup View Post
I'm married, not dead. lol To me, I think its how far you take it.
I like it!
 
Old 10-21-2008, 10:49 AM   #8
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To each their own...myself, I wouldn't do it. I don't even do it when I'm dating someone, I feel it to be disrespectful.
 
Old 10-21-2008, 12:06 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by recr8ton View Post
To each their own...myself, I wouldn't do it. I don't even do it when I'm dating someone, I feel it to be disrespectful.
I find it disrespectful also. I'm very married and I'm not dead either. To look at the menu is fine,but don't be ordering....MrsD
 
Old 10-21-2008, 12:14 PM   #10
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married and cheated? NEVER in 13 years- and if in a serious relationship that is hopefully going somewhere. Nope. If there is gonna be more than one personal, than each person needs to be aware of it so they have the right to make a decision as to whether they want to be an active participant or not. Both because of mental and physical health in my opinion.
 
Old 10-21-2008, 09:33 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by recr8ton View Post
To each their own...myself, I wouldn't do it. I don't even do it when I'm dating someone, I feel it to be disrespectful.
Agreed.

If I care enough about someone to be in a committed relationship (or married), why would I feel the need to seek attention elsewhere? Seems like that would be a sign of a more deeply rooted issue, either personally, or within the marriage itself.
 
Old 10-22-2008, 03:58 AM   #12
Surprize!
 
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i flirt with no expectations. It's just my natural personality.

now, if you're married/dating etc and are flirting with the intent to get some, then that's a problem.
 
Old 10-22-2008, 08:53 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Metonymy View Post
Agreed.

If I care enough about someone to be in a committed relationship (or married), why would I feel the need to seek attention elsewhere? Seems like that would be a sign of a more deeply rooted issue, either personally, or within the marriage itself.
Agreed. Also, it just dosen't seem fair to the other. A group of friends all standing around joking with each other is one thing, but to act interested in someone outside a commited relationship isn't right. You ever caught your squeeze cheating?? Not fun.
 
Old 10-22-2008, 09:26 PM   #14
miss-communicator
 
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i actually just had someone change my view on this subject this week. I have always been a little on the friendlier side (not exactly flirty, but maybe over friendly??) I always thought that since i was 100% dedicated to my SO it wouldn't/couldnt hurt anything.....

But then it was brought to my attention how this could make SO feel, how it was disrespectful, and a few other things....anyways...blah blah. If I'm with someone, I wont be overly friendly with anyone again- I've had a change of view...and heart
 
Old 10-22-2008, 09:32 PM   #15
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[FONT="Arial Black"][SIZE="4"]Yes if your partner doesn't mind, and also if you slip the fact that you are married into the conversation while flirting. Then everyone involved can adjust their expectations.

You might think the person you're flirting with would run off, but you'd be surprised how many remain interested
[/SIZE][/FONT]
 
Old 10-25-2008, 06:57 AM   #16
Surprize!
 
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it also depends on your approach with the flirtation. Sometimes a man/woman can come off as flirting with an intention to get something out of the process when really the subject in question of such flirtation isn't consciously doing it because it's such a natural thing that they do as a person when they engage in conversation with other people.
 
Old 10-25-2008, 09:47 AM   #17
I didn't do it!
 
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I'm a Lady
Living in Vancouver WA.

I also think everyone has a different definition of flirting. I know of some people that would think a smile to their boyfriend/husband would be flirting. I say get over it. I know for myself...I can be a bubbly person when I'm comfortable with someone. And that's just me. I can also be the quietest person in the room also. LOL And I'm not gonna change the way I am to please someone else like that. Be secure with yourself and your partner. Again....I think its how far a person takes it.
 
Old 04-04-2014, 10:45 PM   #18
Newbie
 
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Does flirting actually work?

Very much so. In fact, research says it's more effective than looking good.

Signaling availability and interest trumps attractiveness.

Dr. Monica Moore, a psychologist at Webster University in St. Louis, has conducted research on the flirting techniques used in singles bars, shopping malls, and places young people go to meet each other. She concluded that it's not the most physically appealing people who get approached, but the ones who signal their availability and confidence through basic flirting techniques like eye contact and smiles. Just signaling your interest in someone gets you halfway there, whether you're a man or a woman. [How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less]

What type of flirting works best?

Two types of flirting are universal: Smiling and eye contact are indicators pretty much everywhere and work for both sexes.

The available evidence suggests that men and women around the world use many of the same nonverbal behaviors to communicate romantic interest.... Smiling and eye contact do appear to be universal methods used by men and women to convey romantic interest. [The Mating Game: A Primer on Love, Sex, and Marriage]

In fact, eye contact is not only a signal * it can actually make someone more attracted to you.

But what works better than anything else?

Touching.

And research has isolated which types of touching are regarded as "merely friendly," in the zone of "plausible deniability," or "going nuclear."

Friendly: Shoulder push, shoulder tap, handshake.
Plausible Deniability: Touch around the shoulder or waist, touch on the forearm.
Nuclear: Face touch.


The behavior that participants rated as reflecting the most flirtation and the most romantic attraction was the soft face touch, followed by the touch around the shoulder or waist, and then the soft touch on the forearm. The least flirtatious and romantic touches were the shoulder push, shoulder tap, and handshake. Thus, touching that is gentle and informal, and that occurs face-to-face or involves "hugging" behavior, appears to convey the most relational intent. [Close Relationships]

Research has shown that even a light touch on the arm makes a man more successful in getting a girl's number.

But don't ignore context.

Behavior is perceived differently in different locations. The more formal the setting, the more obvious you need to be to get the signal across.

For each scenario, participants indicated whether they believed the stranger was flirting with them or not. The results revealed significantly higher percentages of "yes" (i.e., flirting) responses when the stranger was in the restaurant bar as opposed to the school hallway (61 percent vs. 49 percent), when the stranger made an effort to go out of his or her way as opposed to making inadvertent and non-effortful eye contact (68 percent vs. 41 percent), and when the stranger paid a compliment as opposed to asking for the time (83 percent vs 26 percent). Not surprisingly, given this pattern of results, the scenario that produced the highest percentage of "yes" responses (74 percent) was that involving a stranger who went out of his or her way to compliment the target while in the "flirt-friendly" setting of a restaurant bar. [The Mating Game: A Primer on Love, Sex, and Marriage]

And, ladies, after you've caught his attention with flirting, keep in mind that studies confirm that "playing hard to get" works.

(Here's the trick to doing it the right way.)

What about for men?

Touching is almost always acceptable for women, but can get men in hot water real fast. And hair flips and lip licking are pretty sex specific to women.

So, early on, how can a guy flirt without getting in trouble?

Research has shown that flirting which emphasizes physical attractiveness has little effect when males do it.

The flirting that is most effective for men involves displays of social dominance.

The results indicated that the men who successfully initiated romantic contact with women exhibited a greater number of particular kinds of nonverbal flirting behavior than men who did not establish romantic contact. Specifically, successful men directed more brief glances at their intended, engaged in a greater number of "space maximization" movements (positioning the body so that it takes up more space; e.g., extending one arm across an adjacent chair, stretching so that both arms extend straight up in the air), changed their location in the bar more frequently, and displayed greater amounts of non-reciprocated touching to surrounding men (e.g., playfully shoving, touching, or elbowing the ribs of other men). In discussing their findings, the researchers concluded that men who provide signals of their positive intentions (e.g., through glancing behaviors) and their status (e.g., through space maximization and non-reciprocated touch of male peers) receive preferential attention from women. [Close Relationships]

How do you know if it's working? When you start talking to her, ask yourself, "Is she speaking smoothly and quickly?"

Because MIT research says that's a very good sign.

Overall, ask yourself, "What would James Bond do?" And here's a guide to what makes Bond so irresistible.

Why aren't they getting my signals!?!

Here's something you probably don't hear a lot: It's most likely your fault.

Researchers have documented a bias where people think they're being clear about their intentions but, in reality, nobody but them thinks they're flirting.

A more recent series of investigations by Vorauer and her colleagues (Vorauer, Cameron, Holmes, & Pearce, 2003) demonstrated that the fear of being rejected by a potential partner can produce yet another pernicious attributional bias. The "signal amplification bias" occurs when people believe that their social overtures communicate more romantic interest to potential partners than is actually the case and thus fail to realize that they have not adequately conveyed their feelings of attraction. [The Mating Game: A Primer on Love, Sex, and Marriage]

You may need to amp it up, even if that makes you a bit uncomfortable.

Research shows that women are more successful in their flirting when they're more direct.

The approach:

Kenneth Agee the marketing director for loveme.com, an international dating service says: "Many of our clients are great guys, but they lack many of the flirting skills needed to help meet people. Bars and restaurants are not the easiest places to meet people. The approach is key and can make or break the flirting even before it starts. In social settings where you are already interacting, it is much easier to flirt. However, when you have no reason to start communicating, this is where the issue really is. I can flirt easily with people I know, but how do you break the ice when you see someone you don't know. This is the typical problem in bars."

Loveme.com operates social events where men get to avoid the awkward approach by doing what Kenneth calls: "Speed dating on steroids." Each week they bring a group of men primarily from the USA to foreign countries like Ukraine, China, or Colombia. They sit these men in front of 100 to 300 women, all of whom are seeking a man for a serious relationship. Each man is given a translator and moves from table to table; typically each table will have 3 to 5 women seated. Men are moved about every 10 to 15 minutes and by using this technique the men never have to have an approach. Kenneth says: "This dramatically reduces the stress men feel when approaching a stranger. With this scenario, men who are typically shy find it very easy to flirt. This is why our success rate is so high"

Renee Piane of SinglesAdvice.com who gives courses on flirting for loveme.com clients says: "Just learning a few techniques makes flirting so much easier. Getting past the approach is half the battle."
 
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