Metonymy

So what's your take on it?

I had a past relationship where I asked questions. A lot. Hell, I have in all of my relationships. But in one relationship in particular, it was viewed as a bad thing.

I believe she didn't like it because of the way others in her past had used things against her or that other guys had asked questions to dig at things and make her feel bad.

What I tried to convey, very unsuccessfully, is that I can't truly get to know someone without talking to them and asking lots of questions. I don't do the superficial BS: ask about favorite colors, music, and food and just leave it at that. Yes, I ask personal questions. I ask about past life experiences, relationships, thoughts, feelings... the list goes on and on.

I guess it's all in whether or not the other person is truly willing to open up and share. And whether they are capable of doing so. It's important that the other person understands and trusts why you ask questions. If not, it drives a wedge between the two of you.

Plummy

doesn't matter to me. i actually prefer it. gets to the point and then you can start to ignore the random crap that comes out of my mouth at the most obscure times.

Missy

Asking questions is an easier way of getting to know someone who isn't the type to tell you their whole life story right off the bat. Personally I would rather people ask me questions just because it shows at least a little interest in me or what I do.

Washingtonblonde

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.. My take on this. Not all people are proud of the things in their past.. and they have moved past them and become better people. I know for me.. I want someone to look at me and like me for WHO I AM.. Not WHO I WAS..

I ask questions from people about things that matter to me- and that matter to them. Like family.. and interestes. I don't need to know all their sexual experiences..

Asking me questions makes me feel like I'm in a dark room with a spot light on me being grilled.. I can't stress how demeaning it is to me. ESPECIALLY if I've already expressed interest in not wanting to share certain information.

Miss Annette

I am all about asking questions. It's like you said.....how can you get to know someone without asking questions. I will say that some questions are harder to answer than others. However, I am who I am and if someone doesn't like who I am then it is completely their loss. (Or so Sarah keeps assuring me) And frankly I don't want to be with someone who stops talking to me the first time they find out something about me they don't like. Or who trys to use my own past experiences against me.

Missy

Washingtonblonde

Thank you! I was starting to feel like I was the only one!


And yes, Annette! You are SIMPLY AMAZING! I know you.. I know your heart. I know that you would do anything for me, your family or another close friend.

DJ Nathan V

I ask questions.

Washingtonblonde

Question are great.. but if someone doesn't want to go somewhere then let it be. Just be happy with what's on the table!

Miss Annette

hmmmmm......I like being on the table. It's fun!

TeashaMae

I'm nosey by nature anyway. And if I have choosen to spend intimate time with you...I wanna know the whole you. To me it's understanding where you come from, where you've been and what you've experienced....all that is very important to me, since I haven't had the easiest times, I need someone to know all of it so they know why I am the way I am. Without sharing these things, I don't feel like I truely know the person, and thats a loss I'm not willing to take.

I'm not here to judge you, just understand you.

Washingtonblonde

Tell me a time you've ever been on the table woman.. I don't believe you!!!

Missy

Anytime.

Questions are good but sometimes they can cross the line especially when an assumption is added into the question. I had someone ask me "so who did you screw to get out of the military?".....wow. This was someone I met through a friend that happened to be at the same club we were at. Needless to say I was pissed, he wasn't joking either.

Washingtonblonde

DON'T ASK SARAH QUESTIONS! She's a nice person damn it and won't ever do you wrong.. so just be happy with it! If I fell like sharing something personal then I will.. And I usually share everything that is meaningful to me.

DJ Nathan V

Pretty much how I am. I can understand for some people that "can't" talk about certain things but for the most part... I want to know everything about the person I'm going to make that kind of major investment in.

Metonymy

Best. Answer. Ever.

You sooooo hit the nail on the head here. *HUGZ*

Washingtonblonde

Making a note not to date either of you...

DJ Nathan V

Washingtonblonde

Either that or I'd just have to keep your mouth busy so you didn't have time to ask Q's.

DJ Nathan V

That solution sounds more fun for both of us.

elaine

I'm all about asking questions and BEING asked questions. It's not just a way to know the other person, but to understand them on a different level. I could care less about their intimate encounters PRIOR to me being in their life... that's the past. But I also have a better appreciation if they feel the same way on that particular subject. If I/they choose to divulge that information, then it should definitely be taken with a grain of sand and kept between the two. I would love to have someone come into my life who wants to know who I am and why, what makes me tick, and what things make me weak, and what makes me happy.

Have these gone been registered as endangered species?

elaine

Addition:

I think those not willing to share information either have something to hide, or yes, they are afraid that the information they share will be used against them in some way. I also think that people who think the latter are maybe not as ready as they feel they are to be in a relationship if they feel they need to be withdrawn.

I tend to think that if someone is NOT asking me questions, then maybe they just aren't that into me to begin with and maybe not worth my time.

Metonymy

Nope. It's just one of those "not everyone sees it the same way" type things.

Maggie Malloy

precisely

I was dumped in a recent relationship because I wanted to discuss things, because I started asking questions about the person. Umm hello.. thats getting to know you..


If you dont eventually get to the important stuff.... then its just friends with benis

CForce

Sorry, Sarah... questions incoming (so I can understand, not because I think you're hiding something )

No questions at all? What about asking "getting to know you" type of questions, as long as they back off when they hit something you're not comfortable talking about?

I'm OK with people having things they'd rather not talk about, especially at first--though over time I like to know more about them. I feel like I probably tend to over-share, personally. But I think some of my exes might disagree.

DJ Nathan V

,000,000

Without the questions, how do you understand the other person and how they work? If you don't really understand them, you don't really know them. If you don't get to know them... what's the point?

JuiceBox

would you 2 hurry up already...sheesh

Washingtonblonde

A lot of people that disagree with me here. I understand that questions are a part of getting to know somebody.. but for me.. I don't ask super personal questions. If someone wants to share something with me, well that's an honor. Personally, I feel rather creepy asking personal questions because I feel like I'm puting somebody on the spot about something.

I THINK the entire purpose behind this topic was that there was information about my PERSONAL history (such as sex) that I personally didn't care to discuss or talk about. And my take on it - is that it's MY PAST - My past that I want to put behind me. And I don't OWE anyone explanations behind any of it. I guess I just don't understand why that can't be respected.

Example - maybe somebody was sexually abused as a child. WHY ON GOD'S GREAT EARTH should that person have to continually bring that up to every person he/she dates? Is it important to know that information to have a happy healthy relationship? Maybe. Do I think it is? - No! Take that person at face value for who he/she is.

Another issue I have is the continual questioning about EVERYTHING - as if digging for dirt. I go out with my friends for a few drinks in the evening. Okay.. so I went to XXXX place with (list names) and I had a blast. I think that's sufficient information - don't you? It's certainly enough info for me if my s/o goes out. I don't want to have to tell the person I'm dating my background with every indivudual that was there, how much I had to drink, what time I got home, and explain why I didn't invite them to come along. I am my own person. I am responsible.. I work, I support my family, I raise my kids and occassionally it's nice to just escape for a few hours. NO.. that doesn't mean I'm trolling around looking for some meat.. I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't want to feel like I have to answer to someone. I fought so hard to get my independence.. I'm not going to just blindly had it back over.. not then, not now, not ever. It's called TRUST me.. Anyone I meet - I TRUST. It's an automatic.. You don't have to earn it with me. BUT - it can be taken away. So I trust in my s/o - afterall, I chose them.. So why can't they put the same trust in me. I'm a good person and I'm not going to wrong you.. so WHY can't that be enough??

Washingtonblonde

SO not happening.. but thanks JB. Just playing around.

evander

My take on “asking questions”. I feel there is less about the question being asked but more about “how” it’s being asked. Sometimes I feel the questions are light hearted and just inquiring about me for no other reason than to learn who I am. Other times the tone of the question is tempered with mistrust and the reason they’re asking the questions is to find something they can use against me. Don’t get me wrong it’s not as overt as “ammo in a fight” but sometimes they ask question to get a bit of info so they have an excuse to not get close to me.

The same question “So what did you do last night”? Can come across and making small talk or it can be asked like an accusation. Same question asked two different way with two different agendas.

DJ Nathan V

:cry:

Cooley

some people are easy to pick up on or let you know about themselves by just being around them. People like that I don't need to ask many questions so we'll call them 'books'. On the flip side some people close themselves off and without asking questions you may never get to know them! We'll call them 'onions' as they can be a battle to get through the layers. Then there are the 'potatoes'... something about being buried but obvious as to what they are when you blah blah blah... ok. back to taking this thread in new directions! so haha, nathan's :cry:ing and JB is still just typing to make sure his fingers work...

JuiceBox

you're a potato

Cooley

Frites for the win?

vivid

hmmm. interesting topic here. personally i'm not one to talk much about myself. if you want to know me better then you are welcome to ask away. but there is a difference between asking and prying. i will answer just about anything you want to throw at me but if you dig too deep i will let you know that there are things about me that i am not willing to share. with anyone. ever. don't take offense.

Bikenut

But doesn't common sense come into play at some time and point? You can ask my about my childhood. Go for it. When I give a blank stare back, wouldn't common sense tell you to back off the subject? Wouldn't common sense tell you that by not answering I didn't grow up with the Waltons? I think you can tell ALOT about people WITHOUT asking questions. Not condoning violence in any was shape or form, but back in the day, watching me punch the crap out of someone should give you the hint, I didn't learn to fight at the Sunday Church BBQ. I think you can tell TONS about someone by their demeanor alone. And I agree with WB. You don't need to splay out your past to make a statement of who you ARE. I think people are, for a lack of a better word, nosey, to satisfy THEIR need to know. Just take the peson for who they are. By asking too many questions, your just opening a can of worms. If people want you to know, they will tell you. That should be the end of it.

Washingtonblonde

AMEN Sista!!

littleq624

i like being asked questions, because i generally dont hide anything very well anyway. by asking it tells me that they are actually interested in listening to me, and then i can answer and that will lead to me realizing something specific i am curious about them, so now i have a question to ask. then you have 2 people exchanging words, i think they call that conversation. i don't care what questions people ask though, because if i don't want something known, it won't be known. i am me because of my past. the events of everyones life are what shape them, so the concept that you are who you are and not who you were is a very silly way of thinking. even if you are no longer anything like the person you were, you changed yourself because of your experiences. no one wakes up and is like "you know, everything is going right for me, i love my job i love my friends i love where i live etc. i think its time to quit my job, get rid of my friends and move away to nebraska to be a hooker." people generally change over time due to imperfections in there life, to improve their quality of life, and make them better people overall. why would you hide the things you have conquered from someone you want to trust you. that makes no sense.


/end incoherent ramble

ratchet206

If you don't ask me, you'll probably never know. I prefer when people ask questions if they are curious, and I do the same thing.

Bikenut

If I was 20 years younger See, and that just goes to prove what WB was saying. Aaron, I could probably sit and talk to you for HOURS. I'd be relaxed enough to let alot of my guard down. It's in your persona. You autotmatically put people at ease. But if I feel I'm obligated or being interigated, I'm gunna shut down faster McCain's campaign on election night

littleq624

thats cause im so little and non threatening

Mikercw

Yeah they say the same thing about me too....

Bikenut

you are such a tard

Mikercw

Damn she has you down Aaron!

Bikenut

you too big boy. Shit, remember the time you and I went out and I got toally WASTED. Not too many people I'd let me see in that condition. God, I hope that video has been erased

Mikercw

Hey hey... missy!

Oh dont worry I do remember you getting VERY drunk!

and I still have the video!

littleq624

link?

Maggie Malloy

PS

If someone refuses to answer SIMPLE questions.. faves.. dislikes.. likes.. preferences for religion.. its a major red flag to me.... if you dont want to answer that.. how do we know if we are compatible?

Clackamas

I agree with both ;) But, yes, there is a big difference between prying and being naturally curious. It also important to listen when the line has been drawn and leave it at that.

recr8ton

well said

For me, and this did happen in a realationship I was in a few years ago...the question asking was ok in the begining but after awhile I just felt like I was being psycho analyzed. It was just non-stop.

Rockerchic

I don't mind being asked questions- i find it to be a better approach than that person going to my friends and associates and askin them- like how do they know? And of course I'm going to ask u questions. geez. How else am I going to get to know em. Even if its personal, u can always tell em that not a topic you are readyto discuss yet (or never).

TeashaMae

Ahmen...people are responding like those that like to ask questions are sitting someone down in a interrigation chair in a dark room with a spot light...not the case. Obviously you can tell if a person is not ready to talk about something, or they can just tell you they don't want to talk about it...nuff said, I'll stop, not like i'm going to sit there and poke poke poke til you tell me. But if this happens with all their personal/past stuff, then I don't have time, I'd rather spend time with someone who is open and receptive to conversation and getting to know me and my getting to know them..and thats my choice, just as it's your choice not to answer ANY questions.

Maggie Malloy

recr8ton

I would agree to this. Sometimes it's ok NOT to ask questions and just have comfortible silence. The last woman I dated didn't really realize until long after we were broken up and other people started mentioning that her frequnecy and the way she asked question made them feel the same way she was making me feel. It was question after question all the time...I remember telling her "it's awesome that you want to get to know everything about me, but is there a dead-line or something? Do you have to find it all out today? sheesh!" Then of course she was a psychology major...she just made people feel like they were under the microscope.

DJ Nathan V

I hear that. I'm definitely a question asker and I love hearing and telling stories about the past. It adds so much dept to the personality of the person you're getting to know. There's a limit though. Sometimes it's good to just relax together and enjoy each other's company. Talking for a while is great but I'll be damned if I don't know that sometimes it's just time to shut up and cuddle.

Washingtonblonde

I just like listening to people. Hmm.. I guess I do ask a lot of questions.. but not personal.. I don't think..

elaine

I don't like single-sided conversations. I think it's when people don't ask questions in return that maybe make people feel like they are being interrogated. If one person is doing all the talking (esp if they are talking about themselves)... someone could be left with the perception that maybe that person is an "I-I-I, me-me-me" person. And who likes those kind of people? Look at me! I need attention! *rolls eyes*

Personal/intimate questions will inevitably follow... If I'm with someone for a few months... like hell if I'm not going to ask them if they've been in jail... what they were in for... if they've ever hit a female... I'm not going to ask who they've slept with or how many... that doesn't matter. But I will ask if you've been safe EVERY TIME (coz I'm sure we'd all call bullshit) or if you've been tested. Those are very personal questions if you ask me. But you gotta ask yourself... wouldn't YOU want to know!?

Also, if the person's intent is to know you - the whole you - then when the time is right.. they may disclose that information to you. Otherwise, it's a matter of respecting the other person's privacy. You deal with it or move on... either ask another question or ask another PERSON that question.

TeashaMae

Preach on Sista!!!

zooktls97

I agree with E on this.
I think by bringing everything on the table, it'll be less surprises down the road if it ever leads to something deeper like marriage.