SiX

Wasn't sure where to put this, so here it is. Please excuse typos as I'm drunified.

As far as love, always picked the wrong person, but it has always proved to be a learning experience. First long term loved me for who he thought I should be, it was probably mutual. Second was a huge mess. I believed in his dreams and ambitions. Turned out there were only dreams without ambitions. Busted my ass to support it and ended up bitter.

So funny thing, it's difficult to find someone who will understand. My love live past is not truly horrible, but my other past is. Someone who will be able to deal with my family has proven far more difficult. I love most of my family, I blow off the reat and don't tell them where I live and never want them to find out.

Excuse me while I self medicate. . . Ok, back now.

So, my mom is the definition of the crazy cat lady now. Has tons of cats, a few social friends over the internet that she actually doesn't have to speak with in person often. I love her dearly, but was so happy she moved away to persue her own path.

The rest of the immediate family is useless. My aunt has had her nurse license revoked for various reasons so many times I just don't care anymore. Wrote her off when she did a hit and run. Crashed into an older lady while high (assumed and rightfully so) and took off. Of the two uncles I have, one should be dead, in jail, or worse. Seriously. The other, who has some redeeming qualities has been diagnosed with lung cancer, heard the tumor is HUGE and it sounds like he's given up. He's 57, both of his parents died at 52 of cancer.

Last week, my brother finally went completely nuts. He has had a lot of issues and problems. Dealt with it by using various drugs. First drug ever tried was acid, had never even had alcohol before. Turned to meth which fried his brain. If anyone has ever known anyone who has done meth, they know what it does to people. Re-wires their brain and they'll never be the same person again. My brother lost it, I was on chat with him and couldn't understand anything he was typing. The number of letters were ther but they were all wrong and random. I tried to help, gave him guidance in the best way I could. . .

Found out right before EmW that he set fire to his apartment door. So unlike him, even the post-meth him to put others in danger like that. In my head, he's gone. I've lost him in all ways. Now, I get to deal with mom trying to clean up the mess from Arkansas, saving his cat, (which would actually kill my brother if harm came to him), and just all this other bullshit I have to deal with in my life.

I'm unemployed, ran out of savings a long time ago, and really need to focus on fixing my own life so I can survive. Ok, i've kinda run out here. Rather spent on the whole venting thing although I'm truly not done and want to go on a murderous rampage.

Seriously, how do you deal with something like this? I think I'll have one more (light) drink, one more smoke (I'm quitting, never was much for it anyway), and go to bed with hopes it'll all go away or fix itself on it's own (delusional), and hope I get a renewal of my unemployment or a decent paying job very, very soon.

Goodnight, I'll probably delete this like that other guy does in the morning.

Washingtonblonde

Night babe.

Miss Annette

As far as your family is concerned......I've been there......done that. Don't think you are all alone or are the only one that has a family they don't want an SO to meet or feel like you will never find an SO who loves you enough to accept your family. I live with the same thing every day.

SiX

My family is not ME. I have fought long and hard to not be like them. I have avoided so many things because I of what I saw growing up. I have managed sucess in so many ways but have a long way to go. So for those that were at EmW, I apologize for being distracted. It was a huge feat to not break down and be the girl that freaked out. I want to delete this all, but it's where I've come from, where I'm at now, and where I need to go (still working on that one.)

Miss Annette

Yep. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I could give you my background but it would take forever and is best heard over drinks. lol

If you ever need a friend or an ear let me know and we can get together and talk. Im told I am a very good listener when I dont talk.

SiX

Thanks. Reading this in the morning light with a slight headache, I left a ton of stuff out. I'm not sure I need anybody to accept my family. I avoid them whenever possible. But they still are there sometimes and mom makes sure I know what's going on in their life. I'd rather not hear about it. She's the worlds biggest enabler and is a firm believer that family comes first and you always help them even if they've stolen from you or worse.

Oh well. I pretty much consider PNW my real family anyway. They are always there for me and I'm there for them.

MrsD

You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends who usually end up being closer than your blood family. They treat you better too.

Washingtonblonde

^^^^^Said like someone who knows. She is SO right.

SiX

Very true, I'm fairly picky about my friends too. The last thing I need are people around me who stress me out or bring me down. I've got some wonderful friends and I'm so grateful for them.

sin808

Couldn't have said that better myself.

Everybody has a history and crap to deal with in their life, some more so than others. A good support system of friends can make it a lot easier to deal with that crap on your terms (or help you bury the body). Good on ya for having great friends.

SiX

Update:

Nothing new on my brother except somehow I have been nominated to not only get his cat, but clear out his apartment.

My uncle won't last long. He has a 5 cm mass in his left lung and the cancer is showing in his adrenal glands. I'll be surprised if he lasts another month, he's given up. There will be a party in the next couple weeks. He wants us to get together and sing/play music. Always a huge part of any family gathering. I'll go, for him. Really don't want to deal with the whole "poor me" bullshit that everyone else will bring to it. His own daughter has done nothing but try to make it about her and her misery. I'll be lucky if I'm not in jail by the end of the gathering. But maybe not, most of them will most likely be drunk/high/etc. and lost in their own little worlds. However I hope not. It would be nice if my uncle got to actually see his family together as they used to be/should be.

And I'll cope, as always. Get angry, get sad, go through the emotions every normal person does yet still manage to celebrate the good times that lurked there. Because when I go, there had better be a damn fun party. After all, death is about celebrating life.

MrsD

I'm sorry Six, I know your strong and you will get through this but it sucks all the same. Your right celebrate life.

SiX

Ok, so talked to mom today after I got back from Spokane. Somehow she's under the delusion that I should let my brother stay with me when he gets out of jail until he can get settled somewhere else. (He probably will get off on this one.) To make me feel like it would be ok to have my bi-polar, slightly schizophrenic brother who just set fire to his apartment door living in my house, she told me he didn't remember doing it. Seriously. WTF? Um... yeah that really helps, I'm totally fine with it now.

And when he gets out, I'm sure he will be fine. He'll be clean aside from the psych meds. Those mix great with his alcoholism too, btw. However, I have seen this pattern too many times from the rest of the family and know how it goes. They "hit bottom" and find some kind of salvation (religion, AA, co-dependent relationship) then slowly drift back into their old patterns until they are worse then they were before.

So, can I be done now? I'd like to be done.

MrsD

Yes, you can you just have to stand up and say this is my life and I'm done babysitting. I love you all, but this just isn't happening any more. I remember one of the first times I stood up to my Mom I was 15 she was beating my ass with a belt. After I had counted 13 times of being hit I grabbed it out of her hand and said NO More. She never hit me again. The second time about 6 years ago I spoke my mind she threw a knife at me I left and didn't go back for a long time. Wear your armor and fight back you have the right not to be miserably wrapped up in other peoples drama and downfalls. Even if they are your family. What I want most for my family and friends is that they are happy I don't see this making you happy.

SiX

Thanks MrsD. I will try to. Mom is the queen of guilt so it'll suck. I'm sure I'll be called some variety of selfish bitch and other colorful, guilt-inducing phrases. And I am so selfish that I gave her a car last winter. So yeah, she can cork it. I've paid my dues. So just because my brother only "burned his door a little bit and they got it out right away" (she seriously said this) does not mean he can stay in my house.

MrsD

we can be bad daughters together. Maybe its there generation but holy crap my Mom can lay the guilt on thicker than bees on honey.

SiX

Is she also a first class enabler? Truly an amazing talent.

MrsD

Hell yes, my father is an alcoholic, he went to rehab and Mom still kept booze in the house my brothers and I jumped her and she said well I should be able to have a drink. This is the woman who alcohol never touched her lips until she was in her 30's. But yet she was the one leaving him because of the booze He made it 5yrs but now he drinks wine, I know the outcome of this story and it saddens me deeply. I will loose my father and a part of me will die. But the thing is I don't think I could live with her and not drink. Its tough when your kind hearted Six.. I know, just remember to take care of you.

SiX

Well I'm officially a bad daughter and evil sister. I told mom I would help her see her dying brother but wasn't too keen on helping out my jail bound brother. Said I could only be gone for a couple days and can't really afford the gas and expenses it would take to do so. Was called self-centered after she listed all the things I've bought/done lately, got hung up on, she's probably going to cry. Not feeling to great myself.

But damn it! I've got my own problems, I'm making my own choices with my life that do not include frying my brain on drugs and hurting those around me. She pulled the whole "But it's family" thing and I think she finally realizes that I don't put my family that high on my list of priorities. If I were in a better position financially I would probably help. But I'm not.

I have some really great people in my life that I would do anything for. They're good people and they've already helped me more than I feel I could pay them back for. Mostly because I hate asking for help and never expect to be helped so anything they do is huge to me.

This situation has been very difficult for me to deal with. It's involving a commitment to finally say no to them, mean it, and not back down. It's going to take some time to get over as well. Even though everyone I've asked for advice has said I shouldn't have to go help, I still feel guilty and a little selfish about it all.

sin808

Don't.
Family or not, you are not obliged to help people who are intent on dragging you down with them. Sometimes you have to say for my own mental well being (and personal safety) I cannot be a party to this.
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and don't feel guilty just because they are family. Remember the saying, you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends (or something like that).

SiX

Agreed. Just hard to overcome 36 years of conditioning. It actually was a bit of a relief when I finally said no. Still feel bad, but probably cause my brother has finally gone too far and is probably lost for good. Mom will get over it eventually I suppose.

Ok, I'm done now.. .. .. Hopefully.

SiX

Whoo Hooo!!!! My mom disowned me. She's flying over on Monday and figured since she is spending all this money to fly over there and do all this stuff for him, I should too. There is just no explaining that I need to job hunt during that week, be available for interviews, continue to fix up the house in case I end up relocating, etc. My brother just continues to get worse and worse. Every incident is further down the rabbit hole.

At some point you quit chasing the rabbit and go fishing. Fish on!

SiX

I just had to update this.

So went to my Uncle's memorial, missed the church service accidentally on purpose. But I heard all about it. Poor pastor, or whatever he was, said he'd never seen anything like it. He went to start and somebody stood up and demanded that they wait for my uncle's daughters to get there. So everyone sat in a hot church for over an hour to wait for them. It was never clear if they both made it or not, but one did for sure and caught the end of it. The other was arrested at some point for 7 felonies or so. My aunt who was supposed to sing Amazing Grace never showed the whole day. Heard later she'd broken her ankle but who knows for sure. She's been going through the leftover medication.

Show up on the hill for the family gathering afterwards. Mostly it was winding down. Saw a few people I wanted to see. Got to hear my surviving uncle talk about his drug use in a casual manner, as in "I still use heroin from time to time" "you mom called me and my friend had just brought over some weed so I was really high, good time to talk to her" and stuff like that. It was incredibly creepy to see how much my brother looks like him. It was not remotely what I expected and there was very little reminiscing about the deceased. It just felt odd and disjointed. Probably fitting I suppose.

Everyone asked where my brother was. He's in Jail. While up there I found out that his father had died 6 months ago and nobody had bothered to tell him. His father wasn't worth much but still.

Top all this with my mom being really crazy, obviously forgetting that she's disowned me. Alternately being overly critical (then denying it), caring (I assume to try to manipulate me) and full of grief for the brother she lost. I'm sure I'm leaving out a few other of her personalities as well. Got several long emails from her, all different, even from paragraph to paragraph. Haven't responded to them cause I'm not sure how to.

The drive over and back was good at least. I was thankful to have a good friend to keep me company (and somewhat sane). I think he said something about me being the most normal one of the group. It is amazing I'm not a complete basket case I suppose.

So thanks John, for doing the driving. If you hadn't I might have seen if the Jeep could fly on White Pass.

MrsD

Wow really wow, I don't know if I should say I'm sorry or now its over and you can rest. Family is weird, some of mine I do real well with, others (a lot of others) make me feel awkward and inferior. Then theres the ones who think I'm basically trash. Family is weird its a good thing we have friends who love us unconditionally. I'm glad John was driving I seen a really bad accident on White Pass when I was a kid. Because baby jeeps don't fly and neither do you. BIG HUG

SiX

Thanks. It was sad but somehow appropriate. I think a lot of my family (the crazy ones) think I'm stuck up. The rest seem to like me. As for the pass, yeah.. I wouldn't really do it, but the thought would be there.

On our way over, we saw a motorcycle accident. The bike was a mess, laying in the grass and the troopers were putting up a wall of yellow tarp around what only could've been the rider. I'm not sure how they blew that corner... the rest of the way up nobody was wearing any gear except the minimal brain pan. I wondered what went through their mind when they passed the scene.

Strange day, took some pretty pictures of the mountain, walked down memory lane, got bit by mosquitoes and saw a lone doe in the other lane. And yes, I thank the gods for good friends. He got to see what not many have... my crazy a@@ family.

Washingtonblonde

Wow Six.. I finally took the time to read through this thread. I know you have no control over where you came from but you are in complete control on where you are going. You owe these people NOTHING. It should be an honor to be your mother and I'm sorry your mom doesn't see it that way.

Your uncle has passed on. Feel no obligation to service your mother or your brother. Keep on trucking sister and just know that you are truly a good person with a great heart. (and someone who can certainly put down some Vodka!) LOL.. On that note.. are you doing the Chic Rider Summer Retreat again???? Please say yes!

SiX

Oh yes, I'm going!!! So looking forward to it, might blow some money on a raft with paddles though. And thank you. It's been a rough year. All the kind words and encouragement I receive have really, really helped me. PNW is my true family.

cityxslicker

Six, good to meet you at Puddin Fest. Glad to see you with a smile on your face !
Timberline does seem to have a lot of that to go around.

SiX

Nice to get to meet you, too! Yes, Timberline is infectious that way. Always a good time. You seemed to be enjoying yourself, too.