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Old 01-27-2009, 09:07 AM   #1
MizzUnderstood
 
I'm a Lady
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Question for the Guys over 35 ...

Note: I know some guys in their 20s, who seem exceptionally emotionally advanced. And then, Iíve seen some guys in their 40s who seem clueless (same goes for women).

However Ö generally Ö I said generally Ö I've seen a demarcation between guys pre-35 and post-35. Thatís why Iím asking this question to the guys 35 and older.

Given your experiences to date and a keen understanding that you are no longer immortal (which assumes you've been humbled by a heartbreak or two, or been dealt some pretty tough blows in the game of life by now), what do you really value in a partner?

Letís assume that Honesty and Attraction are a given. Of course, we all want honesty in our relationships with someone we find attractive.

Beyond that, what really matters to you?
 
Old 01-27-2009, 03:38 PM   #2
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hmm...all two guys here in that age range
 
Old 01-27-2009, 05:48 PM   #3
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Well, I qualify age wise (I'm 43) so I'll give it a go. These are more of a guideline rather than absolutes.

1). She has to be comfortable with herself (heading towards self-actualization).

2). She has to be happy with where she is in life (not to say that she won't have other goals in mind in the long run).

3). Independent (but not so much as to make me feel worthless )

4). Serious about things (with a large helping of "Silly"..if that makes any sense)

If I think of more..I'll add them...

Last edited by midlman; 01-27-2009 at 05:51 PM.
 
Old 01-27-2009, 05:53 PM   #4
MizzUnderstood
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikercw View Post
hmm...all two guys here in that age range
Now, if the other guy will just pipe up, I think we'll be in business.
 
Old 01-27-2009, 05:54 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jet City Angel View Post
Now, if the other guy will just pipe up, I think we'll be in business.
Yea...Dragonfish..you out there ?
 
Old 01-27-2009, 05:57 PM   #6
MizzUnderstood
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by midlman View Post
Well, I qualify age wise (I'm 43) so I'll give it a go. These are more of a guideline rather than absolutes.

1). She has to be comfortable with herself (heading towards self-actualization).

2). She has to be happy with where she is in life (not to say that she won't have other goals in mind in the long run).

3). Independent (but not so much as to make me feel worthless )

4). Serious about things (with a large helping of "Silly"..if that makes any sense)

If I think of more..I'll add them...
Well said, Tom, well said.
Point #4, totally understood ... a bit of low brow humor is healthy.
 
Old 01-27-2009, 11:57 PM   #7
The Force
 
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Midlman hit the high points, but here's what comes to mind from me:

Independent. Has her own life and interests--though some of those interests need to overlap with mine (big ones: live music and motorcycles).

Good sense of humor, and appreciates mine. Extroverted enough to get out and raise hell from time to time.

Responsible, both personally and financially.

Has a clear idea of who she is and what she wants--what's negotiable and what's a deal-breaker.

Good communication skills. I'm not a mind reader... if she doesn't tell me what she wants/needs, she's probably going to be disappointed when I guess wrong.

Adventurous in bed
 
Old 01-28-2009, 12:10 PM   #8
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You can see what I'm after on Myspace page. 336 beautiful women, none attainable. But what the hell nice to look at!
As far as reality goes, I give up. Not looking, don't care anymore. Too many things on my plate right now, don't need another burden.
May not be the answer you want, but it's all I've got for now.
 
Old 01-28-2009, 04:18 PM   #9
MizzUnderstood
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CForce View Post

Has a clear idea of who she is and what she wants--what's negotiable and what's a deal-breaker.

Good communication skills. I'm not a mind reader... if she doesn't tell me what she wants/needs, she's probably going to be disappointed when I guess wrong.

Adventurous in bed


Gentlemens, Gentlemens ... thank you for participating. Funny thing ... many women want the same things. Nice to see the genders are on the same path ... just seems we approach it from different angles, but still groping for the middle.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonfish View Post
You can see what I'm after on Myspace page. 336 beautiful women, none attainable. But what the hell nice to look at!
As far as reality goes, I give up. Not looking, don't care anymore. Too many things on my plate right now, don't need another burden.
May not be the answer you want, but it's all I've got for now.
D-fish, as always ... love the honesty. I'm beginning to think the "not looking, don't care anymore" is a rock ass place to be.
 
Old 01-28-2009, 04:40 PM   #10
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Given:
  • Honesty
  • Attraction

I'd add:
  • Able to communicate thoroughly... even if the topic is a point of disagreement.
  • Sincerity
  • Shared passions
  • Similar long-term (career, family, life events) goals
  • Self-supporting/Independant
  • Maturity which is knowing when you can goof off and when to take things seriously
  • Compassion can be make a huge difference as well

< I totally don't meet your age thing.. but I wanted to respond anyway. >
 
Old 01-28-2009, 05:10 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ Nathan V View Post
< I totally don't meet your age thing.. but I wanted to respond anyway. >
FAIL! kthx
 
Old 01-28-2009, 05:15 PM   #12
Litte Mary Sunshine
 
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Can I post for my old man? Men at this age definatly KNOW what they want. They don't want games...heart you Dragonfish! They don't want drama. Kids are OK, as long as boundries with ex's are set in place and undertood by ALL. They want woman who are self-confident. They don't have time to 'fix' you nor do they want to.

I'm old fashioned and think most men of this age are. Support them, stand by their side thru thick and thin and be sexy as hell. Don't be an attention whore, it exudes a lack of self confidence. When I say be sexy as hell, I mean for THEM.

shit, this goes for men at any age.
 
Old 01-29-2009, 12:14 AM   #13
The Force
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jet City Angel View Post


Gentlemens, Gentlemens ... thank you for participating. Funny thing ... many women want the same things. Nice to see the genders are on the same path ... just seems we approach it from different angles, but still groping for the middle.
I'm curious how you would answer the same question, and the different angle you approach it from?
 
Old 01-29-2009, 10:21 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by midlman View Post
Well, I qualify age wise (I'm 43) so I'll give it a go. These are more of a guideline rather than absolutes.

1). She has to be comfortable with herself (heading towards self-actualization).

2). She has to be happy with where she is in life (not to say that she won't have other goals in mind in the long run).

3). Independent (but not so much as to make me feel worthless )

4). Serious about things (with a large helping of "Silly"..if that makes any sense)

If I think of more..I'll add them...
Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ NATHAN V
Given:

* Honesty
* Attraction


I'd add:

* Able to communicate thoroughly... even if the topic is a point of disagreement.
* Sincerity
* Shared passions
* Similar long-term (career, family, life events) goals
* Self-supporting/Independant
* Maturity which is knowing when you can goof off and when to take things seriously
* Compassion can be make a huge difference as well
Pretty much nail on the head between these two. At 38, I would add:

- Put the laundry list of "do's and don't's" away.
- patience
- Trust
- Understand that often...your behavior reflects your partner and how much you do or don't respect them.
- which brings up ...Respect.
- Don't involve yourself with someone when you know you really can't...a break up after 6 months can hurt just as much as one of 6 years.
- Invest...and truly want to invest in the person.
- Don't say things if you don't mean them and don't make a promise(s) you can't keep.
- Be able to handle being let down sometimes...it happens, we're humans.
- Be able to forgive and forget when what has happened can truly be forgiven and forgotten.
- Be able to always move forward and not harbor too much of the past.

Last edited by recr8ton; 01-29-2009 at 11:24 AM.
 
Old 01-29-2009, 03:04 PM   #15
M0DERAT0R
 
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I'm a Gentleman
Living in Auburn, WA

Quote:
Originally Posted by recr8ton View Post
Pretty much nail on the head between these two. At 38, I would add:

- Put the laundry list of "do's and don't's" away.
- patience
- Trust
- Understand that often...your behavior reflects your partner and how much you do or don't respect them.
- which brings up ...Respect.
- Don't involve yourself with someone when you know you really can't...a break up after 6 months can hurt just as much as one of 6 years.
- Invest...and truly want to invest in the person.
- Don't say things if you don't mean them and don't make a promise(s) you can't keep.
- Be able to handle being let down sometimes...it happens, we're humans.
- Be able to forgive and forget when what has happened can truly be forgiven and forgotten.
- Be able to always move forward and not harbor too much of the past.
FOR SURE!
 
Old 01-30-2009, 11:21 AM   #16
MizzUnderstood
 
I'm a Lady
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ Nathan V View Post
< I totally don't meet your age thing.. but I wanted to respond anyway. >
You are one of those emotionally astute 20-somethings to which I alluded earlier ... nice input.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CForce View Post
I'm curious how you would answer the same question, and the different angle you approach it from?
Here are some general guidelines for me (in no particular order ):

1. Communication skills: (1) the ability to hear what I’m saying, even though he might not agree, (2) the ability to stay present and not bail when we need to talk through the big stuff – money, sex, work/life, etc.

2. Self-reflection: the ability to recognize his strengths and weaknesses -- to know who he is -- and strive to do his best

3. Self-reflection, Part II: The recognition that material wealth and sexual conquest only get him so far in life and are not true measures of self-identity, self-fulfillment and long-term sustainability

4. Maturity -- the ability to recognize that no woman (or man) is perfect and there will be conflict -- every healthy, romantic relationship involves normal doses of conflict. Communication is the key.

5. Emotional presence

6. Shared passions and hobbies – we’re not clones, but we definitely share some primary interests which fuels our bond

7. Lifestyle compatibility and commonality – seeing the world through a similar lens, mostly in the areas of sexual, political, cultural, spiritual, and moral identities

8. Financially responsible

9. Monogamous and sexually engaged.

CForce,

I realize one could write pages about the differences between male/female approaches, but here are my general thoughts. And, I realize I'm speaking only for myself here, but think I've got some good insight on women over the years.

Independence: When a man says he likes “independence” in a woman, it usually means a woman who is not emotionally or mentally “needy”; a woman who does not look to a man for validation of her internal self-worth. Certainly, a man wants to feel loved by a woman, but doesn’t want to feel responsible – nor should he – for her self worth.

When a woman likes “independence” in a man, it generally means a guy who is self-sufficient, financially responsible, and a provider in terms of external drivers and measures. I think it can also mean emotional independence. That is, many women are not comfortable around emotionally “needy” men -- for the same reasons -- but I think it holds a slightly different meaning to women than it does to men (because women also seek emotionally available men).

Communication: Women know how to communicate. Certainly, most women are keenly aware of nuances in relationship and are exceptionally verbally fluent, especially when it comes to expressing emotional thought. But, here’s the catch: many women don't know whether or how to "deliver" the communication. Women have been raised to be “nice” and "all things sugar and spice." Since the age of 3, we've been taught to be "well behaved" and not rock the boat (whatever the hell that means ). We’ve been raised to be passive. While some of these traits may seem virtuous, these cultural expectations actually backfire and create more problems because lots of women are nervous to communicate directly our relationship needs ... either because we were never taught how or were literally punched in the face for doing so. And, since men obviously approach relationships from a different cultural and gender experience ... are, understandably, not familiar with this dynamic.

(Sidenote: certainly, lots of men and women are on the flip side – some men were raised to be “super, nice guys” and find themselves struggling with the same issue from another angle; some women think nothing of expressing their minds regardless of how rude they may sound to their partner.)

Identity: "a clear idea of who she is and what she wants" -- again, cultural expectations get in the way. A woman may know what she wants and desire to be her true, authentic self, but somewhere during her formative years was probably taught to not be "too strong" or define her "wants" too staunchly because the boys wouldn't like her.

A quick example: my friend's daughter took karate classes at age 5 -- at that age, boys and girls are pretty much the same in terms of athletic ability. Every time the girl did well and beat the boys, however, the "loser" boy had to drop to the ground and do 15 push-ups, the message being: "you let this little girl beat you, now you must pay the price." Well, no wonder she's going to grow up nervous to assert "who she is" and going after "what she wants," because ultimately, she doesn't want her male partner to be punished or resentful if she out performs him.

My point is that a lot of women know what we want and actually want to assert more of our true identities -- and it's up to women to do that -- however, we need some leeway from our guys to appreciate and acknowledge us for being ourselves and for performing well with our passions -- even if we might actually do some things better than you.

I also realize that guys have a set of cultural guidelines that create challenges. I know guys struggle, too. My point here is to explain some things from a female perspective. Because, after all, the more we know, the better we all do.

Hope this helps ...

Last edited by Jet City Angel; 02-01-2009 at 08:48 AM.
 
Old 01-30-2009, 11:26 AM   #17
MizzUnderstood
 
I'm a Lady
Living in Somewhere

Quote:
Originally Posted by recr8ton View Post
- Invest...and truly want to invest in the person.
- Don't say things if you don't mean them and don't make a promise(s) you can't keep.
- Be able to handle being let down sometimes...it happens, we're humans.
- Be able to forgive and forget when what has happened can truly be forgiven and forgotten.
- Be able to always move forward and not harbor too much of the past.
Great points!! ...

Very helpful to hear from the mouths of guys ... each day I am more convinced we all pretty much want the same things ... tracking in the same orbit at the same time seems the bugger.
 
Old 02-02-2009, 11:06 AM   #18
The Force
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jet City Angel View Post
9. Monogamous
I think this is so implicit to most people that they wouldn't even think to mention it. Very self-aware of you to call it out.
 
Old 04-10-2009, 02:53 PM   #19
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quick short reply form me since this is my virgin answer to this.
Honesty, ones ability to make eye contact and honestly answer your question. To see effort on your partners half to do what you want to do. I understand that guys need there guy time, and girls need their girl time, but when I was looking (in high school) I was looking for someone that had the same interests, work ethic, goals, and wanted to not only have a kid or two but DO THINGS as a COUPLE?! IS this too hard to ask?
I have always wanted to have my better half with me at any given juncture, and I would be their friend no matter if I had to lose friends to do so... marriage... Since I have found new friendships however, I have also found new friends that share the passion for those things in which I wanted to do and they accept them whole heartedly.
so to sum this short -
acceptance, similar values in and out of the bedroom(or take them out of the bedroom to the streets), similar INTERESTS, FUN and not droning WANTING to keep moving forward together not alone! uh I have moire but after typing and retyping and retyping I am done for now...
 
Old 04-12-2009, 09:39 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jet City Angel View Post
Great points!! ...

Very helpful to hear from the mouths of guys ... each day I am more convinced we all pretty much want the same things ... tracking in the same orbit at the same time seems the bugger.
Umm I am NOT a GUY and I am yet to be OVER 35 but I must say to this comment....

Yes we all want the same things (pretty much) BUT admitting that we want them is hard to find... and the ight person whom we have a spark with and un explainable love for is the HARDEST to FIND! It is almost like being in outerspace and looking for a lost space man!
 
Old 06-11-2009, 12:20 PM   #21
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Its the official Girl Friend Application form:

Gender : yep, that is an instant no go, I am only looking for one answer here
Race: The world is a wonderful place, so many fishes
Height : you cant be taller than me, historically it hasnt worked out
Body type: you cant weigh more than I do, basic principles.
Married: you cant be currently married, engaged, or separated
Kids; they should be old enough to be on their own or skipped all together
Ex spouses: really this question gets to the point of any Restraining Orders
Criminal Activity/ Law Enforcement Interaction: See Above
Smoke: Instant No Go
Drugs/Alcohol: booze will get you a pass unless you were in rehab for it, or have multible DUIs; the others are an instant no go
Career: Have one or be in school to get one
Travel: Have done some, or have the flexibility and willingness to do some
Age: self explanitory
Sex: know what the equipment is and have some creativity in using it
Maturity: see attached situational model exam, post your score here _______
Finances: No IRS audits, triple digit credit card debt, collection agencies
House: Have the ability to own one
Location: Be less than a two hour commute from me.
Tattoos: No freaky full body puzzle pieces that will get you an act in a circus side show
Motorcycle: Own one, or willing to ride on mine: This is a deal breaker
Sense of Humor: if you answered the above, you passed.

Please email this application and answers for an appointment for the talent portion of the interview. Applications without photos will be subject to immediate disqualification.

Last edited by cityxslicker; 06-11-2009 at 12:25 PM.
 
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