evander

as we get to this part in our lives it seems that everyone I meet has baggage. How do you deal with their history? how much history is too much? How do you deal with you're own past?

TeashaMae

I try to not bring previous baggage from old relationships into a new one. Yeah, I'm going to a little more cautious than I was before, but it's not their fault my ex is a douche.

I try to keep that in mind when dealing with their drama as well. But when it starts to affect our relationship, you gotta figure something out. You're either going to have to find a way to deal with it (both of you) or maybe it's just not the right time for them to be in a new relationship.


Oh wait...can I even answer? I'm not quite to 30 yet

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Washingtonblonde

I wish I didn't have baggage.. but unfortunately, my children have a father.. so yeah..

Now the trick is finding someone that can deal with it!

dizzle

baggage is baggage.

everyone has it, and if you find a person that doesn't have any they've been a hermit all there life *cough**cough* juicebox *cough**cough*

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JuiceBox

ain't nothin wrong with bein baggage free.

just cuz i'm socially awkward...

Cooley

Your socially awkward!?!?!

for reals!

sticker.. come get it.

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Mikercw

LET IT GO!
Its in the past, but if it were to come up in a relationship that your in...
You would deal with it together and work through it!

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JuiceBox

fixed

Jet City Angel

Yeah, you gotta let it go. Easier said than done, because both partners in the new relationship have got to try to make the relationship succeed. That is, they've gotta be motivated to build and enhance the present relationship, and not live in the past. And they can't equate the new partner with the prior partner, assuming they're one and the same.

How to deal with your own past? Honestly, the older I get, the more I realize the value of a spiritual base or some kind of relationship counseling. Some of us seem to figure it out on our own and truly be happy, but many of us keep repeating old habits and wonder why we do that. Not a bad idea to unravel some of that old sh!t and gain a new perspective.

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"When you know better, you do better." -- Maya Angelou

evander

How do you deal with someone always talking, not compairing, but talking about their ex's even after you've asked them to stop?

And even if you're not talking about your ex's how do you move forward without the compairing thoughts?

Rockerchic

i was gonna ask the same question...

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Jet City Angel

I certainly don't have all the answers, but I've had a boatload of relationship history and some serious hard knock lessons. I hope I've gained some perspective in all these years.

When your partner is always talking, not comparing, but always talking about their Ex, it kinda makes me wonder whether they're fully over their Ex. Doesn't necessarily mean they're still in love with the Ex, but makes me wonder whether they've fully let go of the Ex, or let go of the "failure" of that relationship, or let go of all the emotional stuff -- good and bad -- that came with the Ex.

If you've asked them to stop talking about the Ex, but they keep doing it, it seems you have a choice: let em talk, but don't really acknowledge the subject or elaborate on it, with the hope that, over time, they'll get bored with the subject and talk about something else. Or, if you think they are talking about the Ex way too much, maybe you come right out and ask (gently, of course, without accusation) whether they're ready to be in a relationship with you because they seem a bit fixated on the Ex. At least it will start a dialogue about your relationship and your needs, so you two can figure out where to go next.

As far as your own "comparing" thoughts in your head, I think it's normal. We all do it. Maybe I'm splitting hairs, but I prefer to think of it as "contrasting" rather than "comparing." By contrasting, that's how we learn from one relationship to the next. We realize the positive/not so positive traits of a past partner and try to understand why it didn't work or why our Ex didn't make a "good fit" at that point in our lives. The healthiest part of "contrasting," I think, is that it helps you become more aware of those traits that make a partner more compatible with you, your lifestyle and life goals.

The trick, though, is not to live in the past. At some point, if we've met a good match and they're a good fit for us, we discipline ourselves to focus on the present and not get lost in the nostalgia of the past. There's a reason it didn't work with an EX, even though there may have been many endearing qualities about that person. It's deceptive if we focus only on the positive traits of a past partner, and expect our current partner to have all those great traits PLUS all the additional great traits we are seeking to meet our emotional needs.

It's hard, I know. Keep seeking the truth, as scary as it seems at times.
Just my hard-earned .02.

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"When you know better, you do better." -- Maya Angelou

evander

Thank you for your insight. That was a great post.

Bikenut

I just do my best to realize, I don't just have carry on myself. I like to use the word 'exeperience', not baggage. I am who I am cuz of things I've been through. But yea, if you have PROBLEMS that you can't let go of...later. And KIDS are NEVER baggage, they are bonuses!!

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cityxslicker

At this point we have all been through some shiate, the trick is not to carry it with you on to the next
I lead a baggage free life. I do however have some carry on luggage, it fits in the over head bin, or in the side saddle bags. Keep it light, keep it to a minimum.
but I do tend to cut my losses fast. The only thing worse than baggage is drama.

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Something pithy, sarcastic and rather opinionated... just waiting for the inspiration.

MrsD

^^^^ on drama

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