Rockerchic

I'm bringing this up here, because for the most part, i think all of you will contribute with honesty and TACT. If you cant, please don't put responce.

On my one of my "dates", i went out with a parapeligic- I was attracted to his personality, and well-his picture. Upon meeting him, he looked nothing like his pic, and the personality didn't really shine thru. Afterwards he commented that I had givin him a sympathy hug. Puleez! Fastforward a few weeks, my gf wants to indroduce me to her best friend. We meet. the guy is a freakin riot, loves life and is a hoot to be around. I get an invite up to his place for wine and well, a date. I've been hanging out with him for almost a week now. Now....he is a double amputee and his legs don't always work that great. I am quite attracted to this guy....for now.
I know I am someone who appreciates "touch" and I fear at some point there will/would be things that i want to experience,and things that i would miss, that he just would not be able to. He has a full time assistant that lives with him who helps him with showers to bills to cooking. He travels all over the world, he is kind and generous. But man, i'm comfortable when his prostetics are on, but when their not I get sad, And he also has some pretty severe body damage from the accident. I thought i was fine with it, but today I've had some serious thoughts

Would/could you date a severely disabled individual? i know, i'm wierd.

Metonymy

For the first guy, he still hasn't accepted his situation, his his sarcasm about the "sympathy hug". He needs to get over it.

As for the second guy, you said he's a double amputee, but that his legs don't work all that well. Then you mention prosthesis. It may seem needless for me to ask this, but I'm guessing he has prosthetic legs?

I've never dated a disabled individual. I'm not sure how I'd handle it. And no, you're not weird for asking. It's a natural thought process. It'd be tough for an active individual to knowingly date someone who has obvious physical limitations and couldn't keep up or participate in many activities.

Mikercw

If your attracted to the guy... mentally,personality wise, and a "riot" to be around.... Everything else shouldn't matter and can fall into place when it needs to be.... Your looking at the small things... things he might not be able to do... You never know if he can until he tries.

Rockerchic

no, lower limbs are his, but he has poor circulation and permanent damage from being electricuted. But it is hard for me to look at the physical damage. huh, well..we'll see...

Qtip

Here is my .02, while you need to find someone you enjoy personality wise you also need to be attracted physically and I don't just mean looks. If you are having doubts now about that then I would say leave now. If you feel that he is going to be detrimental to your outdoor activities because of his limitations then over time you may come to despise him for that. Once that happens things degrade rapidly from there, take it from someone who knows and has been there. I wish you the best of luck and don't envy your decision because really there are a lot of what if's in your post.

Washingtonblonde

Oh this is a toughy. I have split feelings about this.

I know that when I'm attracted to someone, it is for personality. I've known/dates some friggin hot guys in the past but when it came down to it, we didn't click.

I've dated men that many might not find attractive - who I was totally and completely attracted to..

So - for me, I'd like to say it's what's on the inside that counts.

My neighbor is an ampute and he's great. But he's also able to function on his own. I had a co-worker who was a quadraplegic from a college accident. While he had all of his limbs, nothing from the chest down worked. And he had limited use of his arms but was able to use a wheel chair with a joy stick and somehow drive. He had to write with a pen in his mouth. I would help him out at work with putting on his jacket and such - and I know what his wife went through in caring for him.

I could love someone in that situation - but like you, I think I would miss the intamicy of touch. I, however, could not see myself being the caregiver for such a person. That would take away the romantic aspect for me and I would never be completely happy.

I don't know if this helps you at all. But a limb is a limb. It's not WHO a person is. I suppose look at it as if you had the disability. Would you want to be judged for the awesome person you are or for what you were missing physically?

From the sounds of it, this new guy is looking for an awesome person to spend time with. And you are the apple of his eye. So far he's not seeming to be interviewing you as a personal/nursing assitant? So don't be afraid on that aspect.

You never know who God is going to throw your way. It may work, it may not. But I bet you that you will come out feeling like a bigger, better and smarter person for going through the experience of getting to know this guy for who he is.

As far as bachelor #1 - agree with MM on this. Needs to grow up. Making someone feel bad for being nice is a low blow.

HUGS to you. Keep us update!!! xoxo

Washingtonblonde

P.S. A friend thought you might be a good match and this guy is her "best friend". Obviously she wouldn't set him up to be hurt. And I don't think she'd try to push something bad on you. Setting up friends is a tricky thing. Give it a go, girl!!!

Vigilante

Tough question...

Although you just met this fella right? Give it some time and see what happens just like it was anyone else. I bet over time you would get used to the appearance of the "body damage". The physical limitations I'm not so sure about... Would you be giving up some of yourself/expectations?

Personally I don't know if I could do it and right now in my life as I tend to agree with Qtipper about the physical attraction. I have thought about asking how people can look through the disfigurement, etc. and just see the person for who they are, but I usually figure it would not be appropriate.

I guess bottom line is that going back to where I started that it's a tough decision/question and since it is a tough one, maybe that's your clue right there. Sometimes everything should feel right to go ahead with a decision like this. I always prayed that it would be obvious to me who is the right one for me and that it would be a very easy decision and I would "just know" without any guesswork. I had no red flags. But it would be tough to hurt this person's feelings I would think... what are you gonna do?

Rockerchic

As of today, we're still "hanging". He's just great company and a refreshing personality. I know I've been looking for someone that just thinks I'm the shit and has no problem letting me know...and with him, there is no doubt. A client told me..."we ALL have scars, some of us just wear them differently". this is so true. If he can see past mine, I can work on seeing past his. So I think we'll just putz along and see how it goes...

MrsD

I'm so glad you are I think hes good for you. Being sad is normal because you have a heart. Seeing into his heart and past his scars takes courage and compasion you have both. Just enjoy RC one day at a time, you never know what the future might hold.

Plummy

I'm one of those that goes past the outside appearance. Yeah, it might put me off a bit at first, but when you find out what the person is really about and they're not a sourpuss like the first guy you mentioned, everything seems to go away and you find yourself extremely attracted to the person you're with regardless of any "flaws" they might have.

Keep trying to tell myself this about me and how others see me. Doesn't work out so well.

MrsD

^^we are our own worst enemy.

Bikenut

Ok, get your little bows and arrows out now, cuz I expect a shit storm of debate with this post...with all due respect we can ALL sit around and be PC...oh, he has a wonderful personality..blah blah blah...and that may be true. But from what I see no one here has actually experienced what being disable actually means. Those that haven't, you have no clue what underlying factors there are. It goes so far beyond limbs and movement it isn't even funny. I spent two years in a wheel chair. Sure, I had the same comments that everyone hears over and over; she sure has a nice personality or her inability to walk has nothing to do with what kind of person she is...what a crock of shit. While the principal idea is great and commedable the reality is not. There is a VAST difference between dating someone with a disability and living with someone with a disabillity. The constant care, not to mention the mental battle that they face everyday. While the majority have learned to accept and overcome don't forget they are human, not super human. There are times of self pity and extreme frustration. Suicidal thoughts are pretty common in the beginning.

RC, your a super star for seeing past the disability, I mean that. But bear in mind you will never be able to truely understand, nor I for that matter, what this person faces everyday.

That said, I say go for it, but with EXTREME caution. It is easy for a disabled person to appear happy go lucky, what choice do they have. But there is an enourmous amount of emotional trauma...I don't care how stable the guy appears. He goes out in the world everyday to rude comments and stares - everday. No one can honestly tell me this does not wear on the pysche. I'll get back to this post after finals..keep us posted RC!

Rockerchic

I'm being bombarded with flowers at work. I LOVE IT! No one has ever put this kind of energy into me. It feels SOOOOOOO fucking good!

MrsD

I Love Flowers they just make you SMILE..

cityxslicker

nope, couldnt do it, which is why I havent.
Power to you to find what you are looking for, where ever you find it.

Qtip

Wow I expected something harsher, a lot of your comments seem bitter.

Rockerchic

Well, I have found this person to have more compassion and more empathy and a zest for LIFE, then I have ever met in all my dates combined. Its been refreshing and welcomed. I don't "see" his disabilites as far as the physical scars. I do however have fears and doubts about being active with this person. I for one have always been "touchy". It is hard for me not to recieve the big bear hug I so enjoy, or holding a WARM hand, or the stroke of my face. yes, he does these things, but the feel is soo different. One thing i have noticed tho- because I think he can not do as much "feeling" he is MUCH more vocal and giving of "things". As of now, i am dearly enjoying him and how he is soooo attentive to me. Its a very nice change....long term, we will see.

cityxslicker

Happy is where you find it, how you find it. It is never my aspect to tell someone how 'they' should be happy.

Now if you want to swirl into an abysmal state of depression, apathy, and self loathing, look me up, I have some pointers;

Bikenut

I love the update. I was not trying to be a negative nancy..only trying to enlighten the masses, as in all situations, things are not always as pleasant as we want them to be.

RC...sounds like this man has definatly had an impact on you. I hope you understand your strength and definative personality has no doubt had an impact on him as well. Lol, you my dear may very well have found a soul mate. No relationship is perfect. Many wives complain about hugs from a man perfectly capable of giving them - yet the relationship grows. Physical traits are easily overlooked by one that sees beyond the stupidy of thier value. You KNOW I have to give unwarranted advice...take it slow ..no rush. You obviously care for him and visa versa...I personally think it would be a great match. You are a free spirit and I have no doubt you will find inventive ways to share both lifestyles.