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Old 09-06-2009, 08:24 PM   #1
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Commitment issues?

So here's the situation, I've been seeing someone for about 3 months now. When we first started seeing each other we had the "what do you want outta this" talk. We both agreed that we didn't want a serious committed relationship but we would be exculusive bed partners. Obviously I knew the more time that we spent together lines would get blurred and I have tried to keep the our original agreement. Lately, she has been mentioning long term commitment things more and more but I keep stating our agreement. I do like her but at this point there are too many other factors that are making me extremely hesitant about going to that "next step." Since I know the question will probably be asked what those factors are I will give a general overview:

1) Her family has made comments about blacks and disapproves of her dating one.
2) She wants kids, I definitely don't
3) There are some personality conflicts between us

So basically my question is, am I just having commitment issues? Any advice or comments would be appreciated and I will try to answer any questions I can.
 
Old 09-07-2009, 06:59 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qtip View Post
So here's the situation, I've been seeing someone for about 3 months now. When we first started seeing each other we had the "what do you want outta this" talk. We both agreed that we didn't want a serious committed relationship but we would be exculusive bed partners. Obviously I knew the more time that we spent together lines would get blurred and I have tried to keep the our original agreement. Lately, she has been mentioning long term commitment things more and more but I keep stating our agreement. I do like her but at this point there are too many other factors that are making me extremely hesitant about going to that "next step." Since I know the question will probably be asked what those factors are I will give a general overview:

1) Her family has made comments about blacks and disapproves of her dating one.
2) She wants kids, I definitely don't
3) There are some personality conflicts between us
So basically my question is, am I just having commitment issues? Any advice or comments would be appreciated and I will try to answer any questions I can.
Let me say apologize for myself first because I'm a bit cranky this am so if I come across wrong I'm sorry.
You like her..but you don't Love her.
1)Her family is not sleeping with you and while everyone would like to have there families blessing. They are not the ones who are living her life.
2) That's a big issue and one she will try to change your mind on or change hers to be with you and resent you later. People who don't want or are not ready for kids Should Not Have Them.
3) Everyone has personality conflicts. I guess it would depend on how big the conflict was and if it was something you could live with.
Now I have a question for you. If your were really in love with this girl and couldn't imagine spending your life without her. Would any of these things be an issue? Would you be ready to commit?
Listen to your Heart.
 
Old 09-07-2009, 10:17 AM   #3
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You were very clear up front, and the fact that your situation and feelings haven't changed doesn't make you "afraid of commitment". The signs are there. Heed them.
 
Old 09-07-2009, 06:27 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by MrsD View Post
Let me say apologize for myself first because I'm a bit cranky this am so if I come across wrong I'm sorry.
You like her..but you don't Love her.
1)Her family is not sleeping with you and while everyone would like to have there families blessing. They are not the ones who are living her life.
2) That's a big issue and one she will try to change your mind on or change hers to be with you and resent you later. People who don't want or are not ready for kids Should Not Have Them.
3) Everyone has personality conflicts. I guess it would depend on how big the conflict was and if it was something you could live with.
Now I have a question for you. If your were really in love with this girl and couldn't imagine spending your life without her. Would any of these things be an issue? Would you be ready to commit?
Listen to your Heart.
While I agree with you that I'm not sleeping with the family, her family is very active in her life. The problem that I have with them is the constant comments I hear from them while she's on the phone with them. They are definitely proactive in making sure that we just stay friends and nothing more. Also neither one of us has stated that we were in love with each other so that has come up...yet I'm guessing. Thanks for the insights though, I'm in total agreement with you about the kids thing.
 
Old 09-07-2009, 08:47 PM   #5
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well first...if lines were drawn- stick to em. there was probably a reason they were there. If you are being "swayed" into wanting something more and you know she is too, THEN AND ONLY THEN should/would I discuss the "next step". But if you still are just on the simply screw thing...stay put.

And my feelings on family- YES YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM! Some are not so easily just put on the "ignore" list. If they are vocal, and interactive with their kids, they WILL be interactive with your relationship. (sorry mrsD...i just have to disagree on this one).

Dont budge, unless you are feeling something deeper. Its just gonna hurt/confuse her more if you get all wishy washy.
 
Old 09-07-2009, 09:15 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockerchic View Post
And my feelings on family- YES YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM! Some are not so easily just put on the "ignore" list. If they are vocal, and interactive with their kids, they WILL be interactive with your relationship. (sorry mrsD...i just have to disagree on this one).

Dont budge, unless you are feeling something deeper. Its just gonna hurt/confuse her more if you get all wishy washy.
Don't be sorry RC.... You are in a relationship with the family to an extent. I have seen many a over powering mother tear two people apart. Or families that didn't stay in there place and ruined relationships. A family has its place in an relationship but should not be such a determining factor in commitment. At least it wasn't in mine.
 
Old 09-07-2009, 09:29 PM   #7
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Yep and that's a problem, both mom and dad are against it. Some of the reasons I understand and respect, but racial comments will not be tolerated towards me at all.
 
Old 09-07-2009, 09:34 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qtip View Post
So here's the situation, I've been seeing someone for about 3 months now. When we first started seeing each other we had the "what do you want outta this" talk. We both agreed that we didn't want a serious committed relationship but we would be exculusive bed partners. Obviously I knew the more time that we spent together lines would get blurred and I have tried to keep the our original agreement. Lately, she has been mentioning long term commitment things more and more but I keep stating our agreement. I do like her but at this point there are too many other factors that are making me extremely hesitant about going to that "next step." Since I know the question will probably be asked what those factors are I will give a general overview:

1) Her family has made comments about blacks and disapproves of her dating one.
2) She wants kids, I definitely don't
3) There are some personality conflicts between us

So basically my question is, am I just having commitment issues? Any advice or comments would be appreciated and I will try to answer any questions I can.

Okay my friend. My first thought.. "He's black???".. Thinking back and I'm letting that rest. Racism now-a-days just FLOORS me. Simply just FLOORS me.

Kids: You already have one living with you. Love him dearly.. but you really don't have room for others. And if you did, he'd steal them from you. But in all seriousness, kids is a BIG thing that will eventually become a HUGE issue. But from the sounds of it, you aren't into this girl enough to really need to consider this issue.

Personalities....I think Mrs. D said it.. they will always be there in every relationship you have (friends, working, or S/O's).. But when you say CONFLICT.. well that there says a lot.

I fall in love rather hard and fast. Not sure if people are the same or different.. but for me, after 3 months, if I wasn't just gaga over someone then really.. I wouldn't even look at a relationship.

I think for your situation.. it's the "next step". The "what now". I was talking to a friend the other day and she told me about her S/O who is divorced with kids. And the topic came up about how he knew he was ready for kids.. and he said that they found theirselves "bored" and didn't know what to do. And they thought logically the next step was to have kids. Because that's what married people do. Sometimes people just don't know what they should be doing.

I will say this. You stated that you had an agreement for exclusive bed partners. If you think about it, that limits the both of you. Why tie somebody down if your intent is not to stay with them? It's preventing her from moving on in her life. And it's preventing you as well. Regardless if you think you are looking for a relationship or not.

And if you chose to pursue the path of a relationship with her, how would that make you feel to know her family's views of your race? Can you imagine seeing them at your wedding and doubting their support for your marriage.. If you had kids, would you worry that they would not accept your own children?

Sounds messy and like a pain in the ass. Hopefully the bed stuff is worth the drama.
 
Old 09-08-2009, 06:15 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by Washingtonblonde View Post
Okay my friend. My first thought.. "He's black???".. Thinking back and I'm letting that rest. Racism now-a-days just FLOORS me. Simply just FLOORS me.
.
Why don't people get the concept. We have Black, Red, Yellow, White, Brown, Green, Purple and Blue bottles. They are all very pretty, different on the outside yes, but whats inside is the same in every bottle.
 
Old 09-08-2009, 08:12 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsD View Post
Don't be sorry RC.... You are in a relationship with the family to an extent. I have seen many a over powering mother tear two people apart. Or families that didn't stay in there place and ruined relationships. A family has its place in an relationship but should not be such a determining factor in commitment. At least it wasn't in mine.
One of my ex-girlfriends probably woulda been my wife by now, if it hadn't been for that meddling mother....

It's okay, though. We still good friends.
 
Old 10-05-2009, 02:07 PM   #11
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She is hopin you are going to change your mind, or that if she loves you 'enough' that you will change your mind.

Kids are a no go. They are like religion & politics, you aint changing anyones mind on them. Get out now whilest you can, or go get snipped so you dont get trapped later.
(it really pulls it right out of the argument, 'I want kids,... Great, my stuff is cut off at the spicket, so you lookin elsewhere' It drops it pretty fast and hard for them.
Move on, move up, move over, but move. That tingly feeling on the back of your neck with the personality issues between you should be your indicator. Heed it.
 
Old 10-05-2009, 05:24 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cityxslicker View Post
She is hopin you are going to change your mind, or that if she loves you 'enough' that you will change your mind.

Kids are a no go. They are like religion & politics, you aint changing anyones mind on them. Get out now whilest you can, or go get snipped so you dont get trapped later.
(it really pulls it right out of the argument, 'I want kids,... Great, my stuff is cut off at the spicket, so you lookin elsewhere' It drops it pretty fast and hard for them.
Move on, move up, move over, but move. That tingly feeling on the back of your neck with the personality issues between you should be your indicator. Heed it.

Damn man I've noticed a trend that just about every post of yours seems jaded. You musta been burned hard a few times. Still thanks for the thoughts, I think we have the issue resolved now....or at least I hope so.
 
Old 10-07-2009, 03:56 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Qtip View Post
Damn man I've noticed a trend that just about every post of yours seems jaded. You musta been burned hard a few times. Still thanks for the thoughts, I think we have the issue resolved now....or at least I hope so.
Resolved? My friend - you are in love with your best female friend. What's resolved?
 
Old 10-07-2009, 06:07 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Washingtonblonde View Post
Resolved? My friend - you are in love with your best female friend. What's resolved?
Just because I'm in love with her doesn't mean that I'm going to do something about it. I guess one could ask how can I be in love with someone but be in relationships with others? Maybe that's the reason my relationships always fail, is because I compare everyone to her.
 
Old 10-08-2009, 07:42 AM   #15
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Wow....that's hilarious.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not chuckling at your misery. It's just that it's so cliche, like it's right out of the latest stupid romantic-comedy. I can easily picture Ben Stiller saying, "Oh, c'mon, guys. Just cuz I'm madly in love with her doesn't mean I'm gonna do something about it. I'm really happy with where we are." And the whole time he's got that pathetically miserable look on his face.....
 
Old 10-08-2009, 10:20 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Driftertank View Post
Wow....that's hilarious.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not chuckling at your misery. It's just that it's so cliche, like it's right out of the latest stupid romantic-comedy. I can easily picture Ben Stiller saying, "Oh, c'mon, guys. Just cuz I'm madly in love with her doesn't mean I'm gonna do something about it. I'm really happy with where we are." And the whole time he's got that pathetically miserable look on his face.....


Would rep you if I could =).
 
Old 10-09-2009, 06:09 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by Driftertank View Post
Wow....that's hilarious.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not chuckling at your misery. It's just that it's so cliche, like it's right out of the latest stupid romantic-comedy. I can easily picture Ben Stiller saying, "Oh, c'mon, guys. Just cuz I'm madly in love with her doesn't mean I'm gonna do something about it. I'm really happy with where we are." And the whole time he's got that pathetically miserable look on his face.....
Yes it is but there is no misery on my part, I just know how I am with relationships and how badly I suck at them.
 
Old 12-16-2009, 10:23 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qtip View Post
Damn man I've noticed a trend that just about every post of yours seems jaded. You musta been burned hard a few times. Still thanks for the thoughts, I think we have the issue resolved now....or at least I hope so.
Jaded would imply that I let somebody in.
Half of marriages end in divorce, the other half you gotta die to escape; I just dont see the point.
 
Old 12-17-2009, 06:00 AM   #19
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So I actually get to meet the parents, although there are suppose to be rules. Like I'm not suppose to tell them we are sleeping together, or how long we've been dating, or some other crap. She's living in lala land if she thinks I'm actually going to follow them, I want to see how the parents react to finding out their precious is banged by me
 
Old 12-17-2009, 07:56 AM   #20
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^^Being a Mother of two daughters with DoubleD as there father. You might want to rethink following those rules. I can't explain the daddy daughter thing but I don't think the last guy who told something like that to Duane, thought he made a good decision. Yes sir, I'm sorry sir, can I say good bye to my Mom sir. I'm just saying you might want to think about that.
 
Old 12-17-2009, 09:04 AM   #21
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^^Being a Mother of two daughters with DoubleD as there father. You might want to rethink following those rules. I can't explain the daddy daughter thing but I don't think the last guy who told something like that to Duane, thought he made a good decision. Yes sir, I'm sorry sir, can I say good bye to my Mom sir. I'm just saying you might want to think about that.
Well I have a little more tact than that lol. I am always polite to the parents but I'm not going to deny or hide the fact that her and I are more than just "friends" like she wants me to do. I've also learned that all it take is a look between the Father of a girl and me to confirm that I'm laying the pipe to dear ole' daughter without mom ever hearing it come out my mouth.
 
Old 12-17-2009, 11:14 AM   #22
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Its the father you should be worried about.
 
Old 12-17-2009, 12:19 PM   #23
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Its the father you should be worried about.
I know it's always the woman you have to watch out for cause she controls the household
 
Old 12-17-2009, 02:49 PM   #24
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That would be correct. She would also be the first one to go for the gun..remember that.
 
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