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Old 03-10-2009, 11:06 PM   #1
is on lifes journey
 
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Asking for help

This isn't about relationships, heck I don't even know if this is a problem or not.

I've asked for help very few times. When leaving Los Angeles I loaded up the moving truck all by myself. The bed, refrigerator, 500lbs stone dinning room table, all of my home, all by myself. It didn't even occur to me to ask my friends for help.

Well I broke down a couple weeks ago and asked friends for help getting my dead bike to the shop. I'll tell you what that was tough for me to do. I felt strange asking others for help.

On the other hand I get great pleasure from helping people out. Could others get joy from helping out? Why not? So why is it so difficult for me to ask for help? Is it a problem? Any insight people?
 
Old 03-10-2009, 11:13 PM   #2
The Force
 
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I'm the same way. I really do enjoy helping others, but have the damndest time asking for it in return.

Long story short, I learned (right or wrong) at an early age that I was the only person I could depend on. Have had a long string of people in my life who said they'd be there and then... weren't. Asking someone else for help feels like opening myself up for more disappointment.

I think I've come to expect it now, and when someone disappoints me, I've gotten very good at telling myself "screw them, I didn't need them anyway". It's gotten me through lots of tough times, but carries a high price. I'm working hard to change it.
 
Old 03-10-2009, 11:28 PM   #3
Surprize!
 
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It's a pride issue. You are so used to being the one that helps people that you believe in yourself that you can help yourself in those times of need. When a friend comes to you asking for help on anything, money, advice, moving, etc, you're more then willing to help them out as best as you can.

When it comes to you asking to help, you feel that you're demeaning yourself when going to others for help on something. Your independence is something that you pride yourself on, and when you had for help you're being dependent on another person. It hurts your pride, it hurts you. But it's something that we have to do in life.

People are gonna get screwed left and right. I've learned that from both sides. People make mistakes, and put themselves in situations where they're going to have to stick there hand out and scream for help. I believe in karma, a firm believer in karma. What goes around comes around. You've been there for so many of your friends evan, emotionally and physically. You do whatever you can to help a friend out, it's ok to be that person who needs help.

I agree with Chris .. I've been forced to learn how to realize that i can only be dependent upon myself .. The people who i thought would be here for me aren't .. because for whatever reason, they backed out of the committment they made to me at one point in time. You can only depend on yourself so much before something big and scary comes along and you need to stick your hand out and shout for help.
 
Old 03-11-2009, 02:52 AM   #4
PNW Love Member
 
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Its cause your a male...

Stubborn and cant let your guard down to maybe see something that your down and you cant do something all by yourself..

Its normal male thing... but it takes a real man to know when he needs help!
Nothing wrong with that what so ever
 
Old 03-11-2009, 07:53 AM   #5
Today I choose Life
 
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I'm a Gentleman
Living in Marital Bliss...

You know the feeling that you get from helping other people and expecting nothing in return? Well if I don't allow other people to help me I am robbing them of that feeling and experience.

I was raised by a single mother who taught me that the only person that I could rely on is myself. Never ask for help, never put your faith in other people, because you will always be let down. Honestly this way of thinking almost killed me, literally. At the time suicide was the only seemingly feasible escape. Thankfully that was not the end for me. Since that time I have learned that I cannot do this thing called life alone. As hard as it is reaching out and asking for help it is the only thing that has saved my ass on a number of occasions. I have learned that there are truly good people out there that I can count on. I have also learned that if I put all of my faith in any person, I will always always be let down. People are human and humans make mistakes, there is only one thing I have found that I can put all my faith in and be certain that they will not fail me.

I read something one time that said....The healthier we become, the more we realize how much we need other people.
 
Old 03-11-2009, 09:03 AM   #6
~Messy Baby~
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikercw View Post
Its cause your a male...

Stubborn and cant let your guard down to maybe see something that your down and you cant do something all by yourself..

Its normal male thing... but it takes a real man to know when he needs help!
Nothing wrong with that what so ever
I don't think it has to do with being a Male or not.

I feel the same way. I LOVE helping others, be it a ear for them to have listen, help someone move, anything. I LOVE it, it feels so good.

But as most of you already stated, I will do almost anything before asking for help. People think it's silly, and they call me out on it all the time. As I get older, I realize that it does help to share the burden, and that in turn feels good to know that the people I've choosen to be around me are solid, amazing people, and that I can in fact count on someone other than myself. That last lesson has been a struggle to accept, I have a hard time letting folks in, but I've picked good ones and they've continually challenged me in opening myself up, and I really like the person I am because of it.

Just ask, I think you'll be humbled by the response.
 
Old 03-11-2009, 09:13 AM   #7
is on lifes journey
 
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Wow some fantastic insight thank you all. I from a very young age used to say "If it's to be, it's up to me." And yeah I found if I relied on others I set myself up for dissapointment.

For those in the same boat how did or do you learn to "swallow you're pride" (for lack of a better term) and ask others for help?
 
Old 03-11-2009, 09:30 AM   #8
~Messy Baby~
 
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I'm a Chicky-poo
Living in my own reality....

I just realized that I couldn't do it all myself. I tried so long to carry the burden by myself. I think it was probably a couple of life lesson, and my best friend that helped me understand that it's ok to let others help. Granted, people are still human, we are flawed, and people will still hurt you, but in the end, I found that it was so much more worthwhile to let go, let others help, the rewards far outweight the hurt.
 
Old 03-11-2009, 09:45 AM   #9
So Amazingly Happy
 
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I have a hard time asking for help myself. I have a gate that blew down last winter.. and people have offered to help but I just can't bring myself to take it. Not sure why.
 
Old 03-11-2009, 09:57 AM   #10
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Every since I was a little girl I have always said I'll do it myself. Do I help others all the time, do I get irritated when they won't let me help yes I do. Sometimes its pride, sometimes its stubborness, sometimes its thinking we fail if we let someone help us. Its the simple realization that we can't always do everything ourselves and that its OK to let someone help you. It doesn't make us a lesser person, it doesn't make us weak and it doesn't mean we fail. It just means we need a little help right now and its ok to ask or just recieve when help is offered. Please remind me of this the next time I need help and I say I can do it myself
 
Old 03-11-2009, 10:48 AM   #11
Today I choose Life
 
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I'm a Gentleman
Living in Marital Bliss...

I usually have to be in a position where there is no other option...lol....but at least I know better....Plus my wife has a good habit of helping me remember my limitations. Most of the time though, my friends know whats going on in my world so I don't have to ask, they offer. The key is accepting the offers. It does get easier.
 
Old 03-11-2009, 12:56 PM   #12
Splenda Momma
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CForce View Post
Have had a long string of people in my life who said they'd be there and then... weren't. Asking someone else for help feels like opening myself up for more disappointment.
Fear of disappointment has also led me to not get as involved in relationships as I could have. I don't want to disappoint them nor the other way around.

I also was brought up by a single mom and was taught to never depend on a man to get things done for me. I have been disappointed by friends and family and when it came down to it... only I could get things done when needed. Or so I used to think...

Quote:
Originally Posted by CStyle View Post
Honestly this way of thinking almost killed me, literally.
I agree with the above. It was a hard lesson learned last summer when I got really sick. I never let ANYONE know how sick I honestly was. It was as if admitting out loud to someone else would be fully realizing to myself the extent of it. Trying to deny it to myself made things worse and probably contributed to how long I was admitted to Harborview. Now it seems I also did irreversable damage by not seeking help sooner. Being in such pain (spinal fluid leaking into my system) that I was delusional and laying on my living room floor... if I hadn't somehow gotten a hold of my brother to come take me to the ER, just over a day after being released... I don't know what would have happened to me. Yea yea yea, I realize now I should have asked for help sooner.

Big or small, I hate to ask for help. Last summer doesn't seem to have taught me too much though. After my follow up Dr. appt yesterday, they want to do heart surgery sooner rather then later because of continued issues that didn't go away. I want to put it off as long as I can because I don't want to ask for help that I know I'll be sure to need.

I'm thankful to have met many of you in person and to know that there are others who like to give as much as I do and that it is also hard for others to ask for help.

I like reading everyone's responses to Evan's question but it still doesn't make it easier to ask for help... for me at least.

luv u guys
 
Old 03-11-2009, 07:46 PM   #13
MizzUnderstood
 
I'm a Lady
Living in Somewhere

Here's another view … could be you derive your self-worth from helping or attuning to the needs of others, often at sacrifice to yourself. That's why you're always there for others but not really expecting them to be there for you … your pay off is pleasing others. And could be that's how you believe you get love, respect, friendship, etc … by earning it.

If I'm right, you're like a fish out of water when you seek help from others because that's not how you're accustomed to obtaining the emotional strokes we all seek as humans. Perhaps your strokes are helping and pleasing others as a measure of self-worth and/or perhaps as an assurance others will like you or accept you. When you seek help from others it might actually feel weird to you because you're not able to tap into the emotional comfort zone you've conditioned yourself to feel over time.

How do you swallow pride and ask for help? The fact you're asking the question is a great start. Honestly, as touchy-feely it may sound, I'd also add: By first reminding yourself you're a valued member of the human race and deserve love, friendship and acceptance without having to earn it at every turn. Then, ask a friend for help with an insight they probably want to help you as much as you enjoy helping them. It’s not a sign of weakness; just a sign of how much you value your friendship (... and yourself).
 
Old 03-11-2009, 08:51 PM   #14
is on lifes journey
 
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I'm a Guy
Living in Spokane and loving it
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Whoa Jet you might be on to something.

I work very hard to please others in my professional life. I wonder if that carries over into my personal life as well?
 
Old 03-13-2009, 03:08 PM   #15
MizzUnderstood
 
I'm a Lady
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Quote:
Originally Posted by evander View Post
Whoa Jet you might be on to something.

I work very hard to please others in my professional life. I wonder if that carries over into my personal life as well?
I know it's been my issue ... professionally and personally. I think lots of people struggle with this. It's gotten better with time as I've realized what's been going on. It seems when we really begin digging beneath the surface of repeating patterns, a message emerges.

For me, I spent many years attuning to the needs of others. And, boy, was I good at it. Receiving the help or assistance of others wasn't something I could accept easily. I came to realize that control, lack of trust, and self-preservation were the interests driving my behavior.

It's great to be there for others ... giving is a virtue. But, I think healthy doses of self-advocacy are necessary, too ... receiving is the other side of the equation which actually improves our well-being and, ultimately, our relationships with others. Just a thought ...
 
Old 03-13-2009, 08:10 PM   #16
Litte Mary Sunshine
 
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Living in just this of side of hell

So the consensus is everyone feels the same. Interesting. I personally believe MOST human beings have this instinct for one basic reason. Social survival and social acceptance. No society can survive without supporting each other. And as Dizzle said, pride keeps us from accepting the same help. Again, I'm being to logical for my own good. Pride is construed as a weakness. Just human nature, just be glad were all humans, I see soo many people helping others The huge pay off is it feels great do do it!

Emotionally, I always figured there was someone who needed the help more than me. I remember giving my LAST $20 bucks to someone who I thought needed it more than me. Just glad it's our instinct to help others
 
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