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Old 10-27-2008, 05:03 PM   #1
miss-communicator
 
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Friends with the ex...

Okay, need some advice today...

To remain friendly with your ex if you are in a new relationship. I understand if kids are involved that there will always be a connection, but at what point do you draw the line.

I encouraged a relationship for the sake of the new SO's kiddos (with the ex, who is their step mom- NOT biological). Next thing I know she's workin a few hours a week for him at his shop. Its been made clear that she wants him back. He tells me the feelings are not mutual. OKAY THEN, why the fuck u have a need to be in contact with her? So the phone rings with text messages a minimum of 3x an evening when we are hanging out. Sometimes its late. I shared that if she truly was concerned about there relationship and JUST remaining FRIENDS, she would show some respect to me (whether she likes me or not). And if he wants me to be secure, a little extra effort needs to be put forth by him to make me feel better about the situation....

Should I be paranoid?
 
Old 10-27-2008, 05:08 PM   #2
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Wow! I'd be pissed!!!!!!! For starters props to you for encouraging a relationship. And biological or not.. it really doesn't matter so long as her and the kids had/have a relationship.

BUT... you are now the lady in his life.. and he should make that known on all accounts. She should know.. and be told to stop contacting him unless it has to do with work. And YOU should know.. and be allowed to feel secure.

Sorry.. but that's a load of crap. Especially if she's possibly fighting for him.
 
Old 10-27-2008, 05:10 PM   #3
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I agree very well said...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Washingtonblonde View Post
Wow! I'd be pissed!!!!!!! For starters props to you for encouraging a relationship. And biological or not.. it really doesn't matter so long as her and the kids had/have a relationship.

BUT... you are now the lady in his life.. and he should make that known on all accounts. She should know.. and be told to stop contacting him unless it has to do with work. And YOU should know.. and be allowed to feel secure.

Sorry.. but that's a load of crap. Especially if she's possibly fighting for him.
 
Old 10-27-2008, 05:34 PM   #4
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I personally believe the past is the past. and ex's need to remain in the past. so long as there are no children involved. As you said, she is not their biological mother and honestly there is no reason for him to continue to talk or text her if he is with someone else. He needs to let her go and focus on the present not the past. And she should have respect not to text him or contact him when she knows he's in a new relationship. Her hanging on to him that way is just pathetic.. sorry just my opinion...
 
Old 10-27-2008, 05:47 PM   #5
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There are some that can handle it, and some that cannot. Over time the feelings will eventually fade for the person still emotionally involved (ie SO's ex), but you really do need a clean break for awhile to let those feelings fade off a bit.

I'd be pissed. But she's moving in to territory that I'd be bitching about to the SO even if he has no interest back at her. It's annoying you, and probably annoying him that she's continuously butting in.
 
Old 10-27-2008, 05:55 PM   #6
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Rockerchic, please clarify: what was the nature and extent of the kids' relationship with the stepmom? And, how does the kids' bio Mom fit into the picture, if at all?
 
Old 10-27-2008, 06:23 PM   #7
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I would not be happy. It sounds like the ex still has major control issues. Be wary- even if he does not return her feelings, it's still a dangerous situation. It sounds like some manipulation/passive aggressive stuff probably went on on her part, and even if he's over her, her abusive behavior may still affect him.

When it's over, it needs to be over. I have zero contact with my ex. He wants to be in contact. He believes that if he could just talk to me, I'd forget all the stuff he did and come running back in a heartbeat. I'm not having any of it. I changed my numbers, changed my e-mail, and if I could afford it, I'd be living in a place where he couldn't find me. If your new guy really doesn't want to talk to her, he needs to be hard to contact. Most judges like communication about children in a situation like that to be done via e-mail so that there is a "paper trail"- maybe he needs to make a move in that direction.
 
Old 10-27-2008, 06:23 PM   #8
miss-communicator
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jet City Angel View Post
Rockerchic, please clarify: what was the nature and extent of the kids' relationship with the stepmom? And, how does the kids' bio Mom fit into the picture, if at all?
this could get complicated...

Bio mom not in pic- randomly she pops in for supervised visits if the kids want. The step mom has been in the pic for 9 years (since they were 3 and 5) so there is a pretty strong bond between the now 11 yr old and her. The older one could care less.
The "steppie" used to work in his office...she quit when they seperated. He informed me that she was covering for a gal on vacation. I said "ok", but its time to train someone for backup. I also said I wouldnt freak the fuck out (i was busy doing this internally). But stated it was a BAD idea and no good could come of it. Well of course, once the "job" was done, she decided that she had fucked up and wanted him back. The story goes: he's empathetic to her feelings and worried about her emotional state. Okay, so I get that. I'm even okay with him "helping" emotionally. But as I told him a couple of days ago, its NOT okay for her to text on a regular basis knowing that I'm in the picture...blah blah blah
 
Old 10-27-2008, 06:26 PM   #9
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has he, or is he, willing to tell her to respect your (yours & his) relationship and to not text or call on a regular basis??
 
Old 10-27-2008, 06:28 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KaReBarE View Post
has he, or is he, willing to tell her to respect your (yours & his) relationship and to not text or call on a regular basis??
If hasn't done this, he needs to. ASAP.
 
Old 10-27-2008, 06:29 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamarach View Post
If hasn't done this, he needs to. ASAP.
 
Old 10-27-2008, 06:30 PM   #12
miss-communicator
 
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I got an "i understand" and "makes sense" outta the conversation, I'm not prepared to bring it up just yet. However so far the phone hasnt beeped (but we really haven't' been around eachother much lately either)....
 
Old 10-27-2008, 06:33 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockerchic View Post
I got an "i understand" and "makes sense" outta the conversation, I'm not prepared to bring it up just yet. However so far the phone hasnt beeped (but we really haven't' been around eachother much lately either)....
that would just hurt my feelings. seriously, an "i understand" is just like a "i'm sorry YOU feel that way" to me... If he's more worried about his ex's feelings over his current gf's feelings, that would be a huge red flag for me..I can totally see him allowing her to see the kids, that is not a big deal, and YOU both could be present at the time of exchange and whatnot, but I honestly dont see why they should have any communication with one another.
 
Old 10-27-2008, 06:36 PM   #14
miss-communicator
 
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no, my feelings were hurt when I approached the subject and he started fuckin snoring
 
Old 10-27-2008, 06:41 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockerchic View Post
no, my feelings were hurt when I approached the subject and he started fuckin snoring
wha?? omgosh!! sorry, i woulda been out of the relationship at that point. I never expect more than what i'm willing to give in a relationship and I would always put the person that i'm with above any ex. an ex is an ex for a reason. He should be more concerned with who he's with. He apparently doesnt know what a great person he has and how lucky he is.
 
Old 10-27-2008, 08:10 PM   #16
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I gotta agree with everyone else on this I would have told him to have a nice life and hope their relationship "as friends" works out
 
Old 10-27-2008, 08:11 PM   #17
miss-communicator
 
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i think we just crossed that bridge this evening...
 
Old 10-28-2008, 08:36 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockerchic View Post
no, my feelings were hurt when I approached the subject and he started fuckin snoring
Ok I don't need an answer to this question, but did you approach the conversation after having sex? Honestly my wife has counted...I can fall asleep within 60 seconds after finishing. If you have an important detail or conversation you need to have (I realize intellectually you figure after pleasing a man he will be more receptive) After sex is the worst time. There is a physiological reason we fall asleep after ejaculation. It has nothing to do with anything other than we just fall asleep. Don't take it personal RC if this is the circumstance surrounding him falling asleep.
 
Old 10-28-2008, 09:08 AM   #19
MizzUnderstood
 
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I sorta get that there might be a bond between the 11 year old and the steppie, which might make it hard for your SO to cut off all ties with steppie at this stage of separation. If there were no kids involved, I'd say your SO and steppie are way out of line. The presence of kids can muddy the waters. However, given what you've posted, it seems your SO is not setting healthy boundaries with the Ex.

Bottom line: if a partner cannot establish healthy boundaries with the Ex, kids or no kids, then it just seems s/he is not emotionally ready for a real relationship with you.

Last edited by Jet City Angel; 03-28-2009 at 08:09 PM.
 
Old 12-27-2009, 06:00 PM   #20
miss-communicator
 
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UGH! A FUCKING REPEAT! Well, we all know I didn't make it thru that last relationship with you know who....And you can imagine how I feel about "exs" by now.
SO! I'm totally enjoying getting to know and DATE my new guy. I have felt just awesome about this relationship and am more than happy to explore the whole bit- but guess fucking what???? LET ME TELL YA! HA!...I am informed that the ex girlfriend is coming to town for the holidays. That she already had a plane ticket and would be staying with "guy" for xmas (I'm informed strickly plantonic, the whole "breakup" has already taken place). I've been told its to keep the peace so he can get a rig of his back (that he lent her during their dating session). And upon her getting here, he would get his rig back, help her get her own, yada yada yada. Okay, well, I'm not thrilled about it, but we're "dating" and not in a "committed" relationship. Fine. I get a call from him AS he's driving to pick her up from the airport xmas eve. Yesterday he calls while out and about with one of his kids (she's obviously at home with his others)....So he tells me he's having a get together at his place (complete with lobster blah blah fucking blah). And lots of guests. Well, of course I'm not invited cuz ex is still "visiting". So um, she's your "date"??? As the day progresses I get mad. Fuck that. You call fucking dibs on my pussy and tell me no in and outs with anyone else but that bitch is at your place still? So here it is Sunday, almost 6pm. She was supposed to be on a plane home. No call today, no text. I'm done saying "I understand", I'm tired of wearing "big girl panties", I'm fucking tired of taking a god damn back seat to some cunt. WHAT THE FUCK. And for the record, I'm sober. And very pissed. Thats okay right??? I'm so tired of having my feelings hurt. to top it off, I havent heard from my gf, and I'm assuming its because she knows something and doesnt want to get in the middle. grrrrrr
 
Old 12-27-2009, 06:38 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockerchic View Post
UGH! A FUCKING REPEAT! Well, we all know I didn't make it thru that last relationship with you know who....And you can imagine how I feel about "exs" by now.
SO! I'm totally enjoying getting to know and DATE my new guy. I have felt just awesome about this relationship and am more than happy to explore the whole bit- but guess fucking what???? LET ME TELL YA! HA!...I am informed that the ex girlfriend is coming to town for the holidays. That she already had a plane ticket and would be staying with "guy" for xmas (I'm informed strickly plantonic, the whole "breakup" has already taken place). I've been told its to keep the peace so he can get a rig of his back (that he lent her during their dating session). And upon her getting here, he would get his rig back, help her get her own, yada yada yada. Okay, well, I'm not thrilled about it, but we're "dating" and not in a "committed" relationship. Fine. I get a call from him AS he's driving to pick her up from the airport xmas eve. Yesterday he calls while out and about with one of his kids (she's obviously at home with his others)....So he tells me he's having a get together at his place (complete with lobster blah blah fucking blah). And lots of guests. Well, of course I'm not invited cuz ex is still "visiting". So um, she's your "date"??? As the day progresses I get mad. Fuck that. You call fucking dibs on my pussy and tell me no in and outs with anyone else but that bitch is at your place still? So here it is Sunday, almost 6pm. She was supposed to be on a plane home. No call today, no text. I'm done saying "I understand", I'm tired of wearing "big girl panties", I'm fucking tired of taking a god damn back seat to some cunt. WHAT THE FUCK. And for the record, I'm sober. And very pissed. Thats okay right??? I'm so tired of having my feelings hurt. to top it off, I havent heard from my gf, and I'm assuming its because she knows something and doesnt want to get in the middle. grrrrrr
That sucks ass, totally know what you're going through as I had kinda the same thing happen to me this year.
 
Old 12-27-2009, 09:18 PM   #22
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Sorry to hear that. Exs are exs for a reason. When they leave the door, I am done with them. I may pine in my mind over them for a bit in a drunken dumb stupor, but I will never call them, write them, visit them, etc. Its a big wide world out there; and really with your assets um, I think you are a very HAWT commodity. Next....
 
Old 12-27-2009, 10:24 PM   #23
miss-communicator
 
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Living in spokane

hmmm, a bit of sorry's and gravling this evening...we'll see
 
Old 12-27-2009, 10:47 PM   #24
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well i`ll be the first to say your out of line and saying "FUCK THIS" and bitching about this....
Doesnt sound like he is trying to hurt your feelings at all, he is doing this to get property back, maybe today.. The day he hasent called or texted is the day he has been helping her get along with her life and find another vehicle, maybe something happened to one of his kids... You jump right to the conclusion its the ex`s fault, but how the fuck do you know.
He called that day about the party, most likely to wishing he could have you there... not to rub it in... You are dating he wanted his girl... not an EX thats there.. Just cause shes there doesnt mean he is liking it.
Is he fucking her... probably not... so your pussy is still the only pussy he wants.

So lets jump off the jealous fucking high horse and calm the fuck down... He has his REASONS that he needed her to come.. As a girlfriend you need to respect that was his decision and be ok with that.
Bitching and getting your thong in one big damn twist... then when he does call... you unleash all this anger that you have let boiled ( for really no reason) and let it go on him... Which in turn makes him make and might not think you dont trust him (though really, thats exactly what it sounds like)...

Im going WAY against the other two and say calm the fuck down and let him get this over with, so he doesnt have to worry about her again
 
Old 12-28-2009, 12:11 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikercw View Post
well i`ll be the first to say your out of line and saying "FUCK THIS" and bitching about this....
Doesnt sound like he is trying to hurt your feelings at all, he is doing this to get property back, maybe today.. The day he hasent called or texted is the day he has been helping her get along with her life and find another vehicle, maybe something happened to one of his kids... You jump right to the conclusion its the ex`s fault, but how the fuck do you know.
He called that day about the party, most likely to wishing he could have you there... not to rub it in... You are dating he wanted his girl... not an EX thats there.. Just cause shes there doesnt mean he is liking it.
Is he fucking her... probably not... so your pussy is still the only pussy he wants.

So lets jump off the jealous fucking high horse and calm the fuck down... He has his REASONS that he needed her to come.. As a girlfriend you need to respect that was his decision and be ok with that.
Bitching and getting your thong in one big damn twist... then when he does call... you unleash all this anger that you have let boiled ( for really no reason) and let it go on him... Which in turn makes him make and might not think you dont trust him (though really, thats exactly what it sounds like)...

Im going WAY against the other two and say calm the fuck down and let him get this over with, so he doesnt have to worry about her again
Hey fucktard I'm just trying to get in her pants....er support her

What I didn't agree with is his lack of calling on the day of departure, but then again I'm not a very trusting person sometimes
 
Old 12-28-2009, 07:19 AM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikercw View Post
well i`ll be the first to say your out of line and saying "FUCK THIS" and bitching about this....
Doesnt sound like he is trying to hurt your feelings at all, he is doing this to get property back, maybe today.. The day he hasent called or texted is the day he has been helping her get along with her life and find another vehicle, maybe something happened to one of his kids... You jump right to the conclusion its the ex`s fault, but how the fuck do you know.
He called that day about the party, most likely to wishing he could have you there... not to rub it in... You are dating he wanted his girl... not an EX thats there.. Just cause shes there doesnt mean he is liking it.
Is he fucking her... probably not... so your pussy is still the only pussy he wants.

So lets jump off the jealous fucking high horse and calm the fuck down... He has his REASONS that he needed her to come.. As a girlfriend you need to respect that was his decision and be ok with that.
Bitching and getting your thong in one big damn twist... then when he does call... you unleash all this anger that you have let boiled ( for really no reason) and let it go on him... Which in turn makes him make and might not think you dont trust him (though really, thats exactly what it sounds like)...

Im going WAY against the other two and say calm the fuck down and let him get this over with, so he doesnt have to worry about her again
This time I agree with Mike RC..I think your letting your past interfere with the present. This guy has to be given his own chances based on him not whats happened to you in the past. One day at a time RC, sorry it was over the Holidays. But I have a feeling he will make it up to you if you let him.
 
Old 12-28-2009, 07:48 AM   #27
miss-communicator
 
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um, mike and mrs D....u both were right. I today I'm tasting crow...
 
Old 12-28-2009, 02:04 PM   #28
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Crow is a taste you don't soon forget...we have all ate a little crow at one time or another.
 
Old 12-28-2009, 11:28 PM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsD View Post
I agree with Mike RC..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockerchic View Post
um, mike u were right.
awwww.... Another day at the office
 
Old 12-29-2009, 07:29 AM   #30
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^^^^Don't let it go to your head.
 
Old 12-29-2009, 07:33 AM   #31
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Did Vigilante make it back from shore leave???? Driftertank is missing again, Miss Annette has fallen over board and C Force has been very quiet.
 
Old 01-04-2010, 07:00 PM   #32
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I'm *hanging around... see that's funny.
 
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