ODiE

I am a very guarded person. I don't have a lot of free time (despite how much I post here) so I like to think I take a no bullshit approach to dating. The fact is the only time i've "dated" since my split of my SO of 3 years it just kinda fell in my lap. I can talk to pretty much anyone and everyone. I have no problem easily approaching someone in a crowded room and having good, not awkward conversations. I also have no problem saying "see ya" and leaving it at that. Well. I guess that is my problem. I tend to leave it at that.

With my last relationship I was totally emotionally unavailable for the most part unless I was shit faced. This lead to a bought with alcoholism because I felt like I was a better person when I was drunk. That ended when I almost got arrested for getting in multiple fights while I was blacked out including punching more than one of my friends i was at a bar with. I don't even touch alcohol anymore and I'm thankful I didn't lose those friends. It helped that I hit like a girl as they said.

Anyway, I understand being emotionally unavailable is an issue. But even when I dated someone else for a short time I felt old habbits coming back and old trends rearing their ugly faces. Her texting me 18 times for every 1 of my replies. Just sort fo being kept at arms length. Not really being let "in".

This poses a huge issue when meeting new people, even people that I might want to genuinely just be friends with, I will talk to someone, and then just say peace. So my question is I guess.... What do you do that bridges the gap between "just talking" and friend or possibly romantic interest. Anyone have this same issue? Anyone have advice for overcoming it?

I tried the angle of giving a girl my number so then I could sort of put the ball in her court and she never called. She was probably to young anyway :P

Plummy

if there's romantic interest there and going beyond friends, i flat out tell them that they won't be getting a whole lot of emotion or affection out of me for quite some time into the whole thing. i take forever to open up to people emotionally and through their own persistance, i suppose that's what eventually gets me to let my guard down.

i do feel bad about it. but i'm not about to start developing deep emotional feelings for someone only to get hurt in the end. i can do an awesome job of keeping things on a friends with benefits level without emotions until the whole sappy bullshit comes into play.

then i get dependent, and retarded, and just a big whole mess of crazy girlfriend-itis.

yeah, i'm her. and i hate it.

TeashaMae

When you find out how to let your guard down, let me know. I'm awful at this, I have a huge wall up. I don't have problems talking to people....listening to them and such, but when it comes to myself, you have to ask very specific questions to get any answers if you get any at all. I don't tend to trust people with my thoughts and/or feelings, my biggest fear of that is that they will use it against me. I tend to hold most people at arms length, figured if I do that then they don't have the opportunity to hurt me.

So yeah...anyone any good at letting your wall down? I'm all ears (or eyes in this instance).

elaine

I tend to come across this too, but I've come to realize that when I do that, I'm not giving the other person a fair chance to get to know the real me. You've just gotta do it slowly... build the trust; it's earned.. not given.

Missy

When I am in a crowd I am really guarded and don't say much of anything. I can honestly say that only select few know how I act and who I am when I am being 'me'.

TeashaMae

See I'm the complete opposite, (so I think) in a crowd, can totally work it, totally outgoing and all of that, but when it comes down to being in an intimate conversation or letting someone into myself, I just have a really really really hard time with that.

JuiceBox

i don't tell people a whole lot in general...nonyabisnass

Metonymy

I have nothing to be scared of. I don't have skeletons in my closet, and I'm not afraid to share things about myself.

People of the opposite sex who say they "just don't want to talk about it" generally have something from their past they'd prefer to hide. From past experiences, they are usually scared of being judged from it.

What they need to realize is that it's not about judging, but, at least for me, learning about her path of personal growth and self-exploration.

Yes, I like to know more about a person than what is skin-deep.

elaine

People set their "walls" up because they are afraid to get hurt... at least that's my experience. We feel guarded when the walls are up because we feel we have control over our emotions. We just need to remember that our walls prevent us from allowing those who WANT to get close to us and who want to know us better...

Plummy

That's not why I don't tell people things.

First, if someone asks anything about me, they'll get an answer. I have nothing to hide. But if it's a blanket statement of "What's wrong?" or "What's bothering you?" or just something really broad and general like that, it'll get returned with "Nothing."

Why? Because in my little world, I've convinced myself no one gives a rat's ass how I feel or what's bothering me and all that stuff. I've somehow brought myself to believe that I'm a bother or a nuisance or annoyance to anyone and everyone I know. Not that I have something to hide. I just don't feel people actually care so it isn't worth the effort of unloading.

DJ Nathan V

I tend to be myself all the time. Big group, small group, or alone with someone. I'm me and I don't have anything to hide. However, I'm careful about letting people get close.

mamarach

I'm lousy at opening up. I wait until I feel like I know someone really well. It's a trust issue more than anything, I think. Whether we admit it to ourselves or not, I think we all know that by sharing ourselves with others, we run some pretty big risks- being laughed at, being cheated on, being hurt, being the victim of gossip... So we put up our walls and keep quiet unless we know that the person we're dealing with is "safe."

On one hand, I don't think there's anything wrong with being slow to open up and hard to get to know. I think it's wise to avoid casual relationships- platonic and romantic alike. On the other, in those relationships that we are serious about (family, real friends, romances), it's important to make the effort to open up. Not all at once, and not even necessarily all the time. Just so long as there's a consistent effort to communicate, on both sides.

dizzle

for the most part, i'm a very open person. I will tell you everything about me and anything that you want to know because i have nothing to hide and i pride myself that a lot of the experiences i've been through have made me a stronger person. The only topic that i tend to hide or shy away from when brought up are parents. I'm more then happy to listen to her brag about how amazing her parents are and how they're so wonderful (even though it kills me inside because i miss mine) but i'm not gonna stop her from gloating over an amazing thing she still has in her life. The moment she flips the switch and starts to ask me about mine, i shut off and move to another topic. I do this to prevent a few things. Sympathy, more questions, having to talk about something that still stings a lot in my life.

Has it ruined potential relationships because it makes me seem closed off and distant in that subject? Yah.

I'm trying to still figure out a way to break down my wall so that i can allow a person to get to know me better.

Also, to people being scared to get hurt. Nobody likes rejection and if you put all your chips out on the line and you get rejected .. its a hit against your self confidence. I just choose to put out my best efforts and qualities to the person and if she pries for more info, and i decline, she should be able to understand that.

Maggie Malloy

This is me too

I used to be open all the way around.. but got too hurt.. now its going to take a lot for me to allow someone to get close

Washingtonblonde

Hmmm.. I tend to have my guard up too and often let it down when I've been drinking. I think that once you've come across someone that you are TRULY comfortable with and trust that you'll find that wall getting smaller and smaller.

I can't say I've really exerpienced it myself as I have major trust issues.. but I do know in my heart that someone will come busting it down!

elaine

I think there is a difference between being open with someone and allowing them to know you... but on the other hand, there is the emotional side to it too. I'm pretty open and am all for communication, but the emotional side and allowing someone to get close to you is another part of that wall - the one that is harder to get through.

shelbyguy

seriously .

im open to everyone...but always hear that I dont allow people to know me.
hmmm.
stay single its easier...focus on your daughter...it will pay off

Bikenut

wow...I in no way ever thought I was different but really amazed at the responses. TM, that really made me feel 'not so different'.

Fear, the other four letter f word. And probably one of the most powerful. I still don't let people in. I like it that way. I was even worse up til about a year and half ago when some crazy wench pm'd me wanted to know why I was filled with so much anger. I thought about punching her but stubborn as she was, she pushed on. I proudly call her my sister now. Fear is what keeps us where we are. Fear, so I've now learned, is one of one of our most self destructive behaviors but also one that can keep us safe. Unfortunalty we have to make a choice.

I say take the chance. Since we're all bikers, I'll make this comparision...would you NOT ride for fear of crashing, or do you ride and take that chance. I take the chance.

elaine

I have a daughter? I got a kid?

JuiceBox

i thought you had several illegitimate children?

Cooley

YES! Guys, now you know it!